My profound self

.

2011-08-16T16:44:00.000-07:00

The thoughts I have will be guarded. The words will be kept in silence. The feelings will be tamed.

Only God knows...only God.

20/365

2011-08-01T06:31:00.001-07:00

July 30, 2011

Thank you for the Saturdays you chose to spend with me...even through exhaustion. After office, you'd just come visit me or you'd ask me to come over. And even if we just spent most of our Saturdays at home sleeping, I wouldn't wish it otherwise.

*Sana fast forward na. I want to spend a whole saturday with you again.
**nakakaiyak namang isulat tong entry na to. =(

19/365

2011-08-01T06:28:00.000-07:00

July 29, 2011

Thank for thinking of me today. I know you did. =)

*I thought of you too.
**I love you too.

16/365

2011-08-01T06:22:00.000-07:00

July 28, 2011

When you hugged me last night, and you told me, "ikaw pa rin", I almost cried.

Thank you for every word you say that really meant "I love you". I love you too.

15/365

2011-08-01T06:20:00.000-07:00

July 27, 2011

Thank you for each time you smiled at me while playing the drums onstage.

*Tonight, you didn't smile while playing. But it's okay. At least I know what I'm missing.

14/365

2011-08-01T06:17:00.000-07:00

July 26, 2011

Thank you for each time you kissed me.

*Today marks our first kiss' 2nd anniversary.

13/365

2011-08-01T06:05:00.000-07:00

July 25, 2011 - I'm including dates now for better understanding. =)

Today is Monday and I just thank you for all Monday mornings I get to see you face next to mine. Believe it or not, because of you, I learned to love Mondays. In fact, I think it's my favorite day of the week.

*I know how you hate mondays though. You will always find the best excuse not to go to work on Mondays. hehe. You're too cute.

12/365

2011-07-24T21:23:00.000-07:00

Thank you for obliging me to text and getting angry at me when I don't...especially when I go home to Dagupan.

For an independent girl like me, I feel secure and cared for when you get angry me at me for not texting you on certain occasions.

*I remember the many times I forgot my charger or my phone battery got drained. You always got irritated during those times. You wanted to know where I was. Perhaps because you didn't want anything bad to happen to me.
**I'm sorry if I didn't text more than I should have.

11/365

2011-07-24T21:21:00.000-07:00

Still a little bit engrossed with the thoughts of the other night.

Thank you for always asking me to sit where you could see me, whenever you play the drums. Thank you for smiling at me while you're playing.

Those are one of the rare moments when I actually feel pretty.

10/365

2011-07-24T21:15:00.000-07:00

Looking back at all that transpired last night, I couldn't help myself but thank you for a lot of things.

You know that habit of yours when you ask me to sit very near you, when we ride a cab? The moment we are able to sit comfortably at the back seat of the taxi, the first thing you're going to do is to ask me to sit very near you. "Love, lapit ka dito."

Thank you for that. Those little things make my heart glad.

*We rode a taxi last night and I chose to look away, opposite to where you were sitting. I knew you wouldn't ask me to sit near you. In my mind, I wished you would say, "love lapit ka." But I guess this is one of the things we have to endure. Someday though...someday.
**"Love, lapit ka dito"

9/365

2011-07-24T21:08:00.000-07:00

Thank you love. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for loving me. Though we have broken up, I just want to say thank you that you spent a part of your life with me. Thank you for the opportunity you gave me to love you. Thank you for loving me back.

*We saw each other today and I thought I would die. It's so hard to see you, knowing I still love you but I cannot hold your hand.
**When I saw you today, I saw all the good things about you that I failed to see when we were in the middle of all our fights. And I began to regret not stretching my patience enough and not looking at all the good things you did.
***I just want to thank you.

8/365

2011-07-24T21:03:00.000-07:00

Today is Wednesday and I miss you so.

Thank you for your unfailing texts. You seem to be always texting me when we were still together - when you wake up, when you're going to bed, when you're on the way to the office, when you're going to meet up with friends and yes even when you're on your way to the restroom, hehe.

I guess I miss texting today. I miss receiving text messages from a sender named "LOVE". I miss replying to that sender. I just miss us.

7/365

2011-07-24T20:56:00.000-07:00

Thank you for teaching me how to commute. Ironically enough, I enjoy commuting now, more than driving. I enjoy looking at the many blank faces and the random happenings outside the bus. I wish you're here with me though. I know you would be watching a movie or a tv series on your ipod or playing a game on your cellphone while on the bus. While I busy myself observing the many happenings, you're probably also busying yourself on your gadgets. We are really two different people with different preoccupations. But I love you just the same.

And I miss your little habits.

6/365

2011-07-18T22:48:00.000-07:00

Today, July 18th, 2011, marks 2 years since the day we formally met.

Thank you for playing those silly games and practical jokes with me.

*1...2...3...sampal.

5/365

2011-07-18T22:47:00.000-07:00

Thank you for every Sunday you spent with me.

*Sundays are never the same since we broke up. =(

4/365

2011-07-16T21:30:00.000-07:00

Thank you for not spoiling the ending of a movie or a TV series, though I have pestered you so consistently for these. Thank you for the times you intentionally told me the wrong movie story ending just so you'd see my reaction at the end of the movie.

I was always the anxious person in our relationship. I couldn't wait until the end of the movie. I always wanted the story already, even at the beginning. And you? You're always the person who wants suspense.

*I remember this trait of yours because it's Harry Potter weekend today and if we're still together now, I probably already asked you to tell me how the movie ends. =)

*Harry Potter is our first ever movie date.

3/365

2011-07-16T21:24:00.000-07:00

Thank you for always reminding me to eat and for getting mad at me when I don't.

*I forgot to eat today again. =(

2/365

2011-07-14T06:06:00.000-07:00

Thank you for each time you asked me to have a taste of whatever you're eating, especially when you're eating something good.

"Love, kain ka oh. Tikman mo to."

You're too cute.

1/365

2011-07-14T05:59:00.000-07:00

Thank you for all the little suprises you did for me. The flowers. The food. The birthday parties. The coffee. The short letters (coz I know you don't always write, hehe). The visits. The other surprises I cannot remember now.

And most of all thank you for the biggest surprise of my life - your awesomeness falling in love with my simpleness.

Oh hello there Stranger/s

2010-08-10T07:17:00.000-07:00

After 2 followers, several anonymous viewers (who spend more than an hour just reading my blog on multiple visits in one day) and some more anonymous people looking over all my past blog entries, I forced myself to reenter this world again - a world I was actually quite fond of but only resides in lucid intervals in present time.

I realize I haven't written anything for the longest time. This is by far the longest I have NOT written since the day I started blogging. The reason? The same reason why I started blogging in the first place. None. The none-ness of my writing and non-writing amuses me. I have a weird sense of humor.

I would like to update my blog now of the past events in my life - those which are worth mentioning. I am now Born Again. At least, I try to be...everyday. It's hard leaving the life of the bitter daughter and living what is now the forgiving (and forgiven) child. I say it's hard because three quarters of my life reinforced so much bitterness in me that being Simone automatically equated to the girl who had that sunshiny smile just because she thought all problems other than hers are stupid, therefore, funny. It's hard letting go of past habits. It's hard but I'll take it. Bitterness is hard as it is anyway. I'll try the other "hard". I'm pretty hopeful of this.

I've grown thin, then thinner, then the thinnest I could ever be. And now, I'm back to being thin again. This is the first step to being healthy. I think.

My room is still a clutter. But I'm moving out soon. My house loan has been approved so I'm moving to my own place. This of course also means that I'll be stingy for 25 years because the loan will take me 25 years to pay. Hooray for being 25 this year. This is actually quite bizarre.

What else? hmm...I'll think of something better to write about soon.

Right now...I shall take a shower and hit the sacks. goodnight.

P.S.1. Who are you and why do you read my blog with such meticulousness? (when all that is written here are of pure nothingness)

P.S.2. You visit my blog more frequent than I do.

Cleaning up my closet

2010-01-01T22:30:00.000-08:00

I'm getting all the bad vibes out to start the year right. The following post is one of the many posts I have hidden in my closet for so long. I do not wish to stir any negativity this start of the year. I just hope to get it all out so it doesn't haunt me again.

*********************************************************

Title: After the bitch crows the third time....

1. So you say you're all that, I say "oooohhhhhh".

2. I don't hate you, I just don't think you're worth anything.

3. I'll give you all the attention you deserve - none.

4. You: I'm prettier; Me: ahuh; You: I said I'm prettier and you're ugly; Me: ahuh; You: I said I'm way prettier and you're so fugly; Me: Yeah, got that the first time. now what else?

5. Oh, what are you gunna do, model me to death?

6. Of course you're hardworking. Imagine having to try on clothes all the time and posing for the camera to find just the right angle. Gosh, have you ever tried resting for a bit?

7. You? reading? wahahahahaha. you're joking right? oh, you're not? sorry.

8. I think I missed the part where you hit your head so bad. You know, that part when you started to believe evil is sexy and dumb is attractive?

9. Oh for your sake, shut up. Your reputation depends on it.

10. If you're beautiful then I don't know anything about sarcasm.

*this was therapy for me.
**this is my way of saying, Goodbye you little she-devil!
***I'll shut up now, thank you.

Once upon a time, they lived happily ever after

2009-12-28T20:00:00.000-08:00

This is the beginning of the end.

This is the beginning of late afternoon naps, sixty-year-old love letters, slow dances under starry skies and shallow-deep conversations of the past while holding hands.

This is the beginning of grandchildren singing Christmas carols, of sons and daughters randomly calling to say hi, of friends visiting in autumn and of sisters and brothers greeting us while we walk together to the church, "Good morning Mr. and Mrs. Miguel".

This is the beginning of a lot of things that is "you and me".

This is the beginning of the end; and the end is "us".

*blog inspired by last Sunday's church message, "begin with an end in mind".

An Open Letter

2009-11-23T03:51:00.000-08:00

I should be name-dropping right now. I'm really not the juvenile type who hides my misdemeanor through vague evil hints. But let's not get into that. That is another matter for another day. We go now to my point.

I do not know if you really know who you're dealing with madame. You address me with great confidence as if you have already measured me up - all 5 feet, 2 inches of me, all 24 years of my life. I dare not contest your self-proclaimed knowledge of me. Perhaps you do know. Perhaps you don't. Either way, you are the master of your own reality. So I'll let you enjoy your thoughts.

To fill in probable perceptive gaps and/or discrepancies though, let me introduce myself formally to you. I find it very rude of me that I have already been the subject of your thoughts and yet I have not properly given an introduction. Perhaps, this will help you appropriate your perception of me better.

Know though that I have only included the things you might be interested in. I don't think it would be any of your interests to know that I am cum laude in UP, business development manager at the age of 23 years old, almost the youngest hired in all of the professions I have held, an owner of her own house at the age of 22, an owner of her own business at 23, a financier of a college beneficiary all through college at 21 and a well-loved, sister, daughter, friend and girlfriend. I am a lover of God and I believe my God loves me too. So I'll skip this part and just introduce myself through the things that might actually spur your interest.

My name is Simone. You may call me by any name. I don't mind. I can see that you have already exercised this privilege anyway. Good for you.

I currently have two zits on right cheek. This happens every month a week before my period. I have growing varicose veins on both my legs due to the high heels I wear to work. I am relatively dark-skinned. My legs and arms serve as fat depositories of my body. Of course, you probably already know that my chin looks stronger than anybody else's and my forehead is just nerdy wide. My nose is small. Believe it or not, mine is already the most attractive in our family. Oh, fixing my brows is not exactly the finale of my every night so hair is just everywhere right above my eyelids. My fart smells just as bad as anybody else's. Perhaps, yours don't. And yes, I wake up with morning breath. I am flat-chested and I have tummy fats (you're right, bilbil) and sometimes when my feet get all sweaty because of a tough day at work, they smell. I don't fix my fingernails and toe nails and I am one with the female species on the hatred for armpit hair.

So my darling arch foe, this is my gift to you. I am opening myself to all your ridicule. My vulnerability is in your hands to act upon. I am giving you all the things you find most important - those where you might get negative things about me from, those you'll use to put me down.

I end this letter in good faith that by now, you probably know me better than you did before.Come to think of it, I may pass as ugly. And maybe I am. Maybe you already know. Treat this then as a way for you to further enjoy your thoughts.

Merry Christmas.

-simone

P.S1. You have glaring SVA errors, not that it matters of course. I'm just letting you know.

P.S2. If you hurt me again, I swear I'd ask your mother to teach you some manners.

P.S3. Replying to this letter will just make you look more juvenile. So yeah.

Two Storms and a Funeral

2009-10-09T05:34:00.000-07:00

With the typhoons Ondoy and Pepeng hitting the Philippines so bad, I can't help but to ponder on the most taboo topic there is, that which I was always uncomfortable talking about, that which haunts me in silent hours of the night - death.

While the Philippine people cry for the loss of their beloved and while they weep with their utterance of why they believe their lost loved ones do not deserve to die yet, I dare to tell everyone now why I should be the one dying.

I apologize for those who would take offense in my bold beliefs. I am with no intention of stepping on your sensibilities. I am merely a girl who goes through intervals of profound thoughts.

A death of a loved one is a death of a part in my heart. I could die now and not feel the hurt of anyone of my family and friends dying. If I die now, I don't have to live to survive that kind of pain.
If I die now, I'd die young, happy and content.
If I die now, I'd have a lot of my friends in my funeral. Dying old sometimes means dying alone especially if you outlive everyone dear to you.
If I die now, then my death can be an epiphany to some people, including those who have taken me for granted.
If I die now...maybe, just maybe...

I know that this blog entry might be one of those that is not properly calibrated with my sense of logic. My claims here might even be the most absurd ones I'll ever make. But right now, spare me the judgment. I'm still here...very much alive. The Judgment will come afterwards.

*It's just that maybe today...I'm just sad...too sad.
*This blog I wrote with thoughts of T. Villanueva, Chico, Rosita Lomibao, Renz Munoz, Charing Rubina, Remedios Cayana, Paolo Villarba. You were angels when you were here. You are angels now.

The Road to September

2009-09-12T19:49:00.000-07:00

These are delayed posts on moments when emotions desperately want to be verbalized. They never got to be verbalized though...only written in silence in some technology.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Soliloquy #2

What is it with you that keeps me ironically hooked?

Is it the thrill of the unusual?

...the bliss of satisfied curiosity every second that we're together?

...the ecstacy of jumping headfirst without a single idea of what lies ahead?

What is it that keeps me here?

Is this just temporary interval of raging vanity held within?

Perhaps. Perhaps not.

*delayed post. i wrote this during a time of insecurity.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

09.03.09

Tonight marks the moment of your heart's indefinite destiny. How do i make you smile?
Or do I even need to try? Will you allow me? I know the uncertainty of what lies ahead pulls down the blissful curves on your face. And my heart feels restless knowing you feel a throbbing hurt within - a hurt you mask through your aura of indifference. My heart stings with just the thought of the probability that you might be just hiding it. I want to tell you that things are going to be okay but I know you would doubt that. I want to hug you and tell you that I'm here but will that make a difference. I'd tell you I love you but will that even correspond to a happy thought?

How do I make you smile tonight?

*I wrote this in a moment of self-control. He needed comfort more than i needed to vent.

2 Libras

2009-08-29T05:20:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is. Call it stupidity, martyrdom...selflessness if you will, but if you decide to pose me the undearable question that is "why", I would probably give you the most ironic answer I can, "I don't know". And for someone who always knows, believe me, it takes a lot of ounces of self-doubt to admit to not knowing.

It's just a couple of days before he submits to his feelings and tell me the things I've been wanting him to tell me. I know; that's what he told me. You might think that I am in a perfect situation. I am finally getting what is due for me for more than a month now. But really, you're mistaken.

For some time I have waited for him to come to you. I dreaded the thought but did not dismiss the possibility. For what do I stand against a 2-year relationship? I am a mere stranger. I cannot bear to be the stimulus that inhibits what is fate. And so I have given him time, enough space so he can still run back to you if his heart tells him too, and enough belongingness so he'll still have someone to laugh with while he trudges the way to moving on. What do I stand to gain, you might ask? I wish I knew.

I don't want him to be half-hearted if/when he decides to be with me. I want him whole - the same thing he wants of me. I want to be the only one. Isn't that what you want too?

Please run after him now. If you still love him and you still want him back, take the risk. If he loves you still then he might just come back. And you will continue on with your love the way fate has designed. My heart will be broken, shattered in numerous pieces, but I'd take it.I'd take it because I know I deserve him whole. And if he cannot commit this, then the alternative will just be equally heartbreaking, if not more. If he decides to stay with me, then we still both win. You will never have the what-ifs in your head. You could say that you did give it your all. In the end, that's the only that will matter.

Do you still love him? Do you believe that you can take care of him more than I can? Do you feel that he can only be happy with you? Do you think that it would be best for him to come back?Will you love him if he does?

If you answered yes to all of these, then here's your chance. Take it. Give us both the favor of being with the person who loves us and not being with the one who doesn't.
I am giving you this chance because I love him. And I want him happy...no matter what that means.

P.S. I should hate you for the things you say wrongly of me. For now, I don't. Don't make it otherwise.

Please Lang

2009-08-15T04:03:00.000-07:00

Utang na loob...

Wag niyo akong sasaktan...sa akin humuhugot ng lakas ang pamilya ko.

Kung sasaktan niyo ako...nanakawan niyo ng lakas ang mga kapatid at nanay ko.

Kaya wag...wag niyo akong sasaktan.

Utang na loob...

HINDI KO KAYO INAANO!

*mananahimik ako hanggang kaya ko, pero kung hindi ka titigil, lalaban ako. dahil sa bawat sakit na binibigay mo sakin, nasasaktan din ang pamilya ko. at hindi ko aatrasan ang sino mang manakit sa kanila.

rebound

2009-08-08T10:25:00.000-07:00

I'm stuck.

I don't wanna go anywhere. I just want to stay here...with him. But I don't want to stand in between what could be fate. I may be the only thing that's keeping you two apart. I may be the unnatural distraction that inhibits his longing for you. I may be the unwanted addition in this math.

I just want to stay here with him. But as I discover your plea for his approval yet again, my soul remains restless. I feel your pain. And even if I don't know you, I don't want you to get hurt. I am the only one standing in the way. I cannot fathom happiness with him if that will mean your loneliness.

You love him. And yes, I know he loves you. My role in this circumstance poses the most ambiguity. I'd like to think he needs me. But until when? Until he finds you again? I'd like to think you don't need him. But until when? Until you realize you do? When's that? When i realize I need him too?

Why did you have to let him go? Why did you have to let him meet me?

I'm stuck...between two people who are passionately in love with each other...separated by personal differences, blinded by the vicariousness of the world.

I'm stuck...because I allow myself to be. I don't want to leave. I just want to be here with him. I'm sorry. I cannot give him up for you just yet. I know he is yours. and he will be..again. But you see, he makes me happy now. He makes me laugh. he makes my sadness go away. I need him more than you do right now.

I'm stuck and I'm sorry.

Y

2009-07-25T05:03:00.000-07:00

Why did you fucking always have to make me feel guilty?

Why did you always want to make me think that it was always my fault...that it was my fault I was jealous...it was my fault that I was insecure...and that it was my fault that our relationship had to end?

Why did you have to play all those guilt trips to make me feel that I was the one who didn't fight for you...for us?

Fucking why?

I ask because i fall in love with every guy who makes me feel guilty.

I feel as if i have the responsibility to make things right with them.

I hate you for making me this way.

Why did you have to be so cruel to me? I loved you more than myself.

Fucking why?

*funny how this blog was written because of an encounter with an X. I feel so low right now. =(

up, up and down

2009-07-21T06:50:00.000-07:00

common.random.ordinary.

random girl was my mirc nick back when mirc was still cool. i was almost married to mr. ordinario. and the word i have always used to describe myself was common.

funny how the rest of the world thinks i am supergirlsimone when i personally think i am no more than a forgettable face, an ephemeral entity. perhaps it is because i have claimed to be supergirl and i have claimed it with passion that everybody started to believe it was so.

i don't know really. sometimes when you keep on telling yourself you are someone, you start to believe you really are. suddenly you're a dancer, a singer, a song-writer, someone who works three jobs, a responsible parent, a loving sister, a backpacker, a mountaineer, a writer, a photographer, a confidante, a bookworm, a movie critic, a teacher, a feeding program volunteer. all this.

and then suddenly reality kicks in and throws a somersault on you. and you're back to common, random, and ordinary again.

don't get me wrong. i am comfortable with myself. i'm not someone who gets insecure very often. i see people's disllike of me as a temporary ego check. we need a constant doze to keep our feet on the ground.

i'm not saying i'd rather be supergirl all the time. the whole supergirl stint is tiring. sometimes people even think that because i'm supergirl, they can hurt me and i won't mind. i'm also not saying that being common, random and ordinary is the best situation in the world for who wants to be faceless?

i'm saying i wish i can choose. i'm saying i wish fate would cooperate. i'm saying i wish fate would not drag me into becoming common, random and ordinary when i need to be supergirl. and i'm saying i wish fate would just let me throw the towel sometimes, become the scared 23-year old...give supergirl a rest.

now, i want to be both? can i be both?

can i be a common, random, ordinary supergirlsimone?

Midnight Snack

2009-06-17T09:13:00.000-07:00

I ate my pride for my midnight snack.

And shit, how I munched on it. I devoured it; feeling each bite, I ravaged on it like a hungry pauper would.

How can I be so stupid?!

That's it! I'm done eating.

X-Men Origins

2009-05-27T23:42:00.000-07:00

It has been 3 straight months. i have thought of the things i'd write about. i thought about one when i was waiting for my ride. I thought about another during the last April Fool's day. and then there's this one i thought of writing when I was in desperate need to calm down.

I have also been pestering people about writing blogs so I can further procratinate in writing one. I know I need to write. I know I need to express myself in ways only i will understand - where no one can make me...silent.

So today, I'll right about the most taboo topics - those that are best hidden, those very thoughts that hunt me during times when I find myself awake in odd hours of the night, those ones I'll probably regret writing about.

But I'll write them anyway. I deserve this. They deserve this.

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Unlucky namedropped ex #1: Jarreed

Of the many things I want to tell you, i don't know where to start. This could have been easy if all the things that went wrong started during the last days of our relationship. unfortunately, even the way we started out was wrong. This should have been easy if all the hurtful things I could write about are just the ones which happened near our fallout; but our relationship was already hurting me even when we still weren't together.

I want to let you know I've been trying to call you for the last couple of days. I want to be reminded again of how you have hurt me and how you can never ever change. I am starting to forget the hurt and am now starting to forgive. But I don't want to forget and I don't want to forgive.

I know that the best way to keep my heart safe from you is to hate you every time it beats.

I know that by me doing this, i am in the losing end. It's very sad that I hate you this much because I still love you with the same intensity.

Thank you for not answering your phone. Every unanswered ring corresponds to more reason why I should not regret being alone.

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Unlucky namedropped ex #2: Dax

*Yes, the bitter bastard. I can just hear jarreed say, "i told you so".

Of all the evil I have experienced in my life, the evil that I saw in you that night was that which I do not think I will be able to summon even from the darkest part of my being.

I taught myself to love you as a boyfriend and see pass the platonic feeling i have towards you. You promised me a love different from the ones I had - one that understands, one that doesn't intentionally hurt; one that is mature, one that is different from what i had with him. Who am I to say no to that?

And yes, I thought you were the one.

It was hurtful enough that you were leaving me. Saving your ass while leaving me is unacceptable. It was hurtful enough that you were trying to change me. Giving up on me while I was in the process of your requested change is downright fucked-up.

Congratulations Dax, you are now a Certified member of the majority of male species - selfish, immature, cowardly, challenge-seeking children of narcissus.

Here's to the "the Corrs".

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Unlucky namedropped ex #3: Reagan

You were my bestfriend for six years before we became a couple. Six years? long time. You cheated on me twice but even that did not give me enough reason to completely eliminate your memories. Maybe it was our friendship. Or maybe it was my God-given talent to forgive easily. Maybe I'm just too forgiving.

And yet, even when I had already forgiven you, and even if you ended up a happy man with a loving wife and kids while I remain to be in search of the sense to all these, you still kept that hatred in you, nurtured it so that it ended up with a life of its own - writing its own past, destroying its present and plotting an evil end in the future. How ironic it is that the culprit claims of suffering from the victim?

I gave you the exclusive privilege of getting my forgivenes even if you haven't asked for it. You are the only ex who has tremendously hurt me who i have not burnt bridges with. I still entitled you to see me smile. I gave you the chance to see me wave at you again and sincerely say Hi. And yet, you seem to want to remain in that bitterness.

Rot in there then and I hope your misplaced, prideful bitterness feeds you well.

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Unlucky namedropped ex #4: Romeo

Bring back the money you stole from my mom you sicko!

*To the EXes mentioned, I am now giving you the freedom to hate me too.

the suspect

2009-05-04T09:30:00.000-07:00

Listen

June 9th, 2005 by suspect

marami akong gstong ipaalam sau… iparamdam…

pero d ko alam kung saan ako mag uumpisa.. d ko rin alam kung panu tatapusin…

sabhin ko man n dapat d k nasasaktan…

d k umiiyak..

d k nalulungkot..

cguro.. marahil…. d mo rin ito pakikinggan….

*this was from Reagan's blog. I'd like to think he wrote for me but I guess, i can't really be sure. sometimes, when i feel most unloved, i think of him. i know he will always love me.

The Green Fucking Archers: Of Glaring Correlations and Fallacious Causations

2009-04-28T05:22:00.000-07:00

He shows up in the office with that innocent I-am-such-a-christian face and I swear I knew how my day would turn out.

Yes, another green archer. Another god-fearing, i-will-kill-you-with-kindness-before-you-kill-me-with-you-intolerance-of-mediocrity-preaching padrino fanatics. I did not mean that to sound blasphemous (Father, forgive me.).

Green archer goes to work late. goes home early. surfs the net more than he looks at his colleague. doesn't go to work the next day. says he is in a meeting. shows up the next morning. claims he's going to the meeting again. colleague asks status of his previous meeting. green archer says he wasn't able to meet client due to client's unavailability. ugh. colleague of course knows he's lying but she lets him go. green archer goes to the client. makes a lousy sales presentation. calls colleague up for help. colleague takes the account and irons out green archer's mess. green archer takes the credit. FUDGE!

here's an itemization of the things I seriously should know:

1. is Padrino system part of your curriculum?
2. do you blatantly teach mediocrity as a subject?
3. do you make your students buy this self-help book on "how to get out of trouble through lies"?
4. is English a major subject?
5. do you teach your students that religion is a survival strategy?

I know that by the above rhetoric, i am completely making a huge fallacy. But forgive me for my inability to disregard the huge similarity.

*hate me. oh please do. that way, we're even.

who knows who?

2009-04-28T04:35:00.000-07:00

If I have known you well enough...

...you probably added an email functionality that prompts you whenever I write blogs. At first, you'll find all the reasons to resist reading this. The notification email will just stay in your inbox for days, even weeks. You will not erase it but you won't also give it much attention. You will imagine what i wrote about. You'll sometimes think it's about you and you'll get irritated at the thought that this blog may be one of those hate entries I post about you. You'll also think I may have written about another guy and this will make you completely think about something else. And then, one day, when everything seems quiet, you'll just randomly type in my blog address and read through this new entry which leads us up to this point of this blog.

If I have known you well enough...

...you're probably smiling right now, partly amused but generally irritated. You're thinking of how vain I am for even writing this blog this way but your curiosity is now more intense than ever. what is the point of all this? You'll keep reading.

And indeed you are.

If i have known you well, you probably believe you know me better than i know you.

And you know what, I wish you're right.

23 turning 12

2009-04-21T10:23:00.000-07:00

As the eldest, I have forced myself to emotionally mature faster than I age. I stopped believing in Santa Claus very early and lost my interests in children stories first among my peers.

When I was a kid, I remember choosing the simplest donuts so my brother can get the best-looking one. I knew we weren't rich. I was supposed to know.

I didn't have a barbie doll. I was always given my brother's toys to play with and I was supposed to be okay with that. People expected me to understand these things.

During gradeschool, my brother and I divided one person's worth of daily allowance between ourselves. We only got to have the whole amount during our birthdays. I was supposed to make my brother understand.

And then fast forward.

My first heartbreak took me years to move on from. My dad always emphasized control over one's emotions. I was not allowed to cry.

When my mom and dad separated, my siblings expected me to take care of them and my mom asked me to take her in. The whole family expected me to pursue what's right. I threw my dad off our house to preserve my mom's sanity and to give the rest of my family peace. I was 19.

It was not my choice to be strong. It was the mandate of the situation. In the inside, I'm really just a girl who'd love to believe in Santa Claus again.

If one can give me the chance to be immature...even for just a day, I'd take it in a heartbeat.

soliloquy

2009-02-01T07:05:00.000-08:00

Dear blog,

I write today because I don't have anybody else to talk to who will give me the same consideration as you can give me. I don't have anybody who would just hear me out - without judgment, without prejudice, without even trying to help me. I don't need help. I just need this. I need to talk.

I have lots of things I want to talk about. I want to talk about my nanay rosing and how i miss her dearly. I want to be able to talk about how just one mention of her makes me cry. i want to talk about my sister and how it is so hard to be the grown-up when I'm with her. I want to talk about my mom. i want to talk about how I would love it if I could send her flowers everyday so she won't get lonely in London. i would like to talk about my dad and how sometimes i wish God wasn't so generous to him; then, he and mom might not have broken up. I want to talk about my current concern of my health; and how i'm torn if i want to get sick or not. I want to talk about my vanity and my self-centered thoughts that maybe if i did get sick, my mom and dad would get back together, or my sister might change her attitude or my boyfriend may stop yelling at me. I would like to talk about how i love him and how i wish he would be you.

You see, I have lots of things I want to talk about. But I don't.

Rose

2009-01-21T23:49:00.000-08:00

It's been nearly a month now since you left.

...

...

...

...

...

*this was supposed to be my love letter to my Nanay Rosing who passed away last December. I can't find enough strength in me to finish it. The first sentence was already heart-breaking.

Nanay, I would write you something profound or something touching...but how can I possibly key in the things I want to say to you when I know you won't ever be able to read them?

The Beginning of the End

2008-11-09T01:43:00.000-08:00

You probably already know this…

…if you are a person I trust.
…if you are a person I share my problems with.
…if you are sensitive enough to listen to the things I’m not saying.
…if you are keen enough to have an idea of my feelings.
…if you are observant enough to see my capabilities.
…if you are patient enough to see what bothers me.

You probably already know this…

…if you are wise enough to determine what I don't deserve...

...but stupid enough to give me less of what I do.

I am resigning. You probably didn’t know didn’t you?

Of Andres, Heddas and Patricia Espeletas

2008-11-06T06:18:00.000-08:00

Subject #1: Andre
Boy next door. Nice smile. Very hardworking. Good work habits. Well-spoken. Responsible.

Subject #2: Hedda
Cute. Youch achiever. Amibitious in a good way. Organized. Rsponsible. Aproachable.

Subject #3: Patricia
Stunning. Aloof aura but friendly really. silent. nice smile. dedicated. responsible.

What's their common ground?

This sting I feel whenever I see them.

The bitterbastard says that it's just me being an elitist and being insecure. I want to be their friend but I'm not so I'm frustrated. He says it's the same phenomenon when you want a specific status and you hate the people who are currently in that status. He says that I hate them because I can't seem to fit in. I hate them because I want to be like them. Oh well, you know the bitter bastard. He wasn't called by that name for nothing.

Let me end this random blog by saying that the people I mentioned above are incredible. Sometimes, I am just a hyprocritical bitch. Yes, I hate myself sometimes too.

The Fling Sting

2008-11-06T05:49:00.000-08:00

I recently came across a person I thought I would never see again. It was weird seeing him knowing that the chance of us bumping into each other again is close to impossible and that if that once in a million chance ever happens, it may be the last.

I saw MEllowYellow again. It hurt me a little bit looking at him because he reminded me of my infidelity. He reminded me of a past I am not proud of. And because it hurt me seeing him, I ended up even more hurt.

I really don't know how I affected him, if at all. I don't know what I meant in his life.I don't know if he ever made me a part of it or if I was just what I considered him to be - nothing more than a fling.

It hurts to feel hurt remembering good moments with somebody. It hurts that you cant even remininse happy memories because those memories should not have happened in the first place. You weren't supposed to be happy with him. I wasn't supposed to be happy with him - or with anybody else.

This is the irony of infidelity. You try to be with other people to be happier but in the end, are you really?

To MellowYellow, I know it may be too late now and you might not care anymore, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry because I may not smile when I see you. I'm sorry because I may not be able to separate your kindness from that selfish stint of infidelity I did. I'm sorry because I may not be able to see you as you but as you being that "other" guy. Whenever I see you, I'll see me; I'll see me hurting the people I loved.

That Melodrama

2008-11-06T05:47:00.000-08:00

I know how hard it is to have a girlfriend like me.

I know because I, too, am having a hard time having me as “me”.

I know how I can be one of the pain points of your life sometimes.

I know because most of the time I end up hurting myself too.

I know how difficult loving me is.

I know because I don’t even know how to start loving myself.

I know that I can be the most selfish, most impatient, most childish girl you’ll ever know. And I know I have already been all those to you.

I know because I have stripped myself of all pretensions and masks I used to get social acceptance when I loved you. And that I could never be this real to anyone else but you.

I’m sorry if my imperfections sometimes get in the way. Sometimes, in the world of a girl who had the whole of her family, friends and even strangers in constant watch, she finds solace in the place she could be imperfect for even once in her life.

I want Californian maki and green iced tea now please?

The Detour

2008-10-21T07:06:00.000-07:00

While I believe that you deserved the rantings and internet bashings I published over the internet before, I also see that you deserve this kudos now.

Thank you boss for doing a great job for the past couple of weeks. Thank you for finally making me proud that you are my boss and that I work for you. I look forward to more of this in the future.

And no dear readers, I am not sarcastic.

Of Bosses and/in Blogs Part 1

2008-10-17T22:33:00.001-07:00

I previously had a meeting with my boss and one of his main topics is something about confidentiality and non-evilness and delicadeza. I practically went out of all the rules in syntax parallelism here. I don't care.

Anyway, he told me stuff about how one should try as much as possible to avoid documenting rantings and angst. Once it is written, he says, you deprive yourself of redemption. (person pronoun-antecdent error). You make yourself vulnerable to hasty generalizations by people who measure personality through online blogs and status updates and updated shout-outs. (I'm fully aware of my overuse of my conjunctions here). People who are scared to be judged this way are probably are because they're guilty of the same thing.

By his logic or at least from my perspective of his "point", he is simply saying, "don't blog about your rantings especially if it's work. Therefore, don't blog about your boss. So in essence, don't blog at all." Did I just commit a fallacy? Sue me!

So again, what do I have to say to that? I think it's bull. I think that if he were alive during the Marcos dictatorship (he probably is), he'd probably be one of those people who clamored for brownie points. He had probably kept his mouth shut and tolerated the evil to retain status quo.

Excuse me, I have to go bathroom to puke.

Since when did people start robbing themselves off of their right to their own perspective and opinion so they would seem flawless? This is not a rhetorical question; I really want to know. And who needs flawless? Who needs self-righteousness? Who needs ass-kissing, evil-tolerating, ever-conforming puppets? Again, not rhetorical. I also want to know.

A light bulb lit and I thought that maybe the overlying question is, "who is more evil; the individual who pisses you off or you who got pissed off?" But then again, I bet some are going to argue and say nobody's at fault as long as nobody puts that into writing and publish it over the Internet so everybody can read.

I wish to go back to the time (if there really is that time) when it's completely normal for people to slap each other when they're hurt and end end up in complete symbiotic peace. I slap you when you mess with me and you do that too. That way, I don't have to tame myself and smile even if I really want to bury my stilettos in your face.

I'm sorry if I don't buy this definition of confidentiality and non-evilness and delicadeza.

The moment I let myself engrossed in this art of office politics and self-righteousness is the day I tolerate mediocrity, inequity and injustice. The moment I become this is the day I die.

Texts in pink, italicized fonts are my way of saying "I'm not here to impress you with my self-important syntax, vocab and grammar. I'm here to tell you I'm alive."

P.S. I know you read my blog. Congratulations to you! I do not discourage you to write anything bad about me. Please do.

SuPeRgIrLsImOnE meets The Bitter Bastard

2008-10-17T22:16:00.000-07:00

These are random learnings I recently caught from a friend in the blog industry:

"If you read between the lines, you'll realize that there's nothing in between." - haha!

"Marami siyang sinabi, walang siyang naitulong" - on him being solution-oriented

"Of course you won't fit in, you're from UP" - while talking about social acceptance

I jump then I die then I smile

2008-08-16T18:12:00.000-07:00

sometimes people disappoint you
and the hard part is that you can't tell them what they did (or didn't do) so they can make you feel better
cause the fact that you have to explain what made you sad in the first place would be another reason to be disappointed...
then you'd end up feeling worse. (Krissy.2008)

If somebody's suddenly irritated and sad, there must be a reason. Your gf/bf is not psycho. He/she does not pick a fight just because he/she wants to. There is a reason. Find that out. And then if you do, prepare an open mind. Don't go "that's it?", go "I understand now." Relationship is not a game you play - whoever apologizes more loses. If he/she gets irritated and sad because of a petty thing (petty being relative, of course), apologize anyway. And then explain. Don't jump the gun and explain at once. That's not going to work. Say, "I'm sorry this made you feel sad. I hope you feel better. I understand you but I want you to understand as well that I didn't mean it. It just came out wrong. What I meant was..." Now isn't that better than, "You're antagonizing all that I'm saying!" or "I don't understand why you're so irritated!" or "Don't push me!"

Why do I feel like I'm teaching the ABCs to a 30-year-old?

The Green Fucking Archers: Of Stupid Scholastic Wars and Self-Proclaimed Greatness

2008-06-25T17:23:00.000-07:00

I write this with one archer just 2 meters beside me. A part of me wants him to "accidentally"glance at see this big upper-case letters - THE GREEN FUCKING ARCHERS - just to further test my already proven claim.

I have been exposed to this said species since college. Stereotyping was, and still is, not my thing so I dismissed whatever label people had of them. I expected, being the optimist that I am, for their kind to give me (us) the same benefit. I felt scholastic wars were just for basketball tournaments and cheering competitions and soccer leagues and quiz bees. Once you're out of the arena, I expected the exact same thing these universities boast about - that they breed the best kind, the best kind I suppose will exude maturity and humility. In the end, what I thought as my best trait turned out as my worst folly. Once I entered this vast world of corporate life and witnessed first hand the superficiality of the life with laptops, black suites and freaking starbucks coffee, I became confused on whether I should be thankful that I graduated in my university or not. I'm thankful and unthankful that I have been instilled humility - too much actually. Sometimes I get confused whether what I'm doing is a show of humility or tolerance.

Meething archers and eagles in live skin and seeing them practically spam mailboxes with useless tosses of self-proclaimed greatness is too much for me. Listening to their conversations about green vs. blue and about how they'd go for the lakers because the lakers are green as well, irritate me. I always feel the need to throw the first thing I'm able to grasp whenever I hear 30 year olds speak about how they've already read this book and watched this movie and know this guy and gone to this place and so on with all his blurb on how great he is - as if he's trying to prove something. Give me a break! I wouldn't judge you dumb if you haven't done all those things. So for the love of peace, will you stop bragging about all your useless "credentials".

It's just so funny how this species can say a lot of things, in a corporate meeting, when they talk about the places they've gone to. And in fact, they say the same things in all conversations. But try to look at them while the real business is talked about and I'm sure, you'll see them scribbling, tracing notebook fonts and playing with their cool phones. Oooohhhh coooooollll phones!

I really don't care whether you're an archer, an eagle or even a marroon. What I care about though is if you talk to me about useless things like american tv series while I am in the middle of a crisis trying to make a profit and loss analysis. What I care about is if you talk to your kind about your basketball team fancy as if you own the building, while I try to develop a qualitymanagement system. What I care about is you boasting about your university and how "you think" it's the best while you sloathe around and depend everything on your subordinates as if graduating in your oh-so-famous universities instantly gives you the right to be a boss and a bum at the same time.

I write the last paragraphs of this entry with one eagle in sight. I want to strangle him for texting me this morning about his parking space. I did not graduate cum laude to worry about your fuckin parking space man! You don't see my species boasting about how we passed UPCAT and you didn't! We don't judge you just because you flunked it! Go get yourself a brain!

I wish people are really what they pretend they are - great and all. That way, I wouldn't invest time writing this blog. Saves time, emotion and saves lives - because literally, I'm thinking of getting all these conceited wannabes all together in one place and getting that place nuked.

Argh...maybe I'm just tired and they're just so freakin incompetent.

This is a shout-out to the world:

Before you boast about your school, make sure your school can boast about you!

The Direct Proportionality of the Severity of Room Clutter and Employee Dissatisfaction

2008-06-25T16:39:00.000-07:00

It’s 6:10 in the morning and if I were a very satisfied employee, I’d just about be getting ready for work now. But as I examine the current state of my room and as I blaze through all the clutter, I find myself with the least motivation to hit the shower and start my everyday routine toward the office.

My room’s a mess. I can see my charger, my training manuals and a set of underwear all at the same place. I can’t find my keys for two days now. And I can see loose change everywhere.

I admit, I have always been a clutter person since I was a kid. Being the eldest and all, I have always been pampered with minimal manual work. But this mess I’m seeing right now doesn’t even remotely reflect my upbringing. For when I started working in this company, I treated my house as my sole solace for the loads of work (manual, mental, emotional etc.) this job ever so gently shoved – oxymoron - in my face.

These past few days though have been exceptionally gruelling. Last Monday, I woke up in the morning realizing that I actually slept on my favourite pair of brassiere and all my make-up set are strewed in a way I would assume only the busiest lady in the world would be capable strewing. That’s when it hit me – I’m stressed and my love for work is failing.

My corporate life is what people deem as that which I do so greatly on. In some ways, I agree. But right now, nothing can change the fact that it’s 6:42 in the morning and I haven’t exerted a least bit of effort to start preparing for work. As I’ve said, if I were a very satisfied employee, I’d just about be getting ready now.

Culprit Trainer in Action: The Job that Was

2008-03-30T04:38:00.000-07:00

SYNTAX and SHIT

You want honesty? here it is.

There are people in the office I really hate. A lot of them actually. a whole lot. Our department is the perfect place to study organizational politics. It's chaos personified. The thought of it wants me to puke everything I ate since last week. That's how I seriously despise the situation. and the fact that i'm still here makes the feeling worse. It's like the constant feeling of being constipated. It's like eating shit...literally. Eeewww..i know.

How will I put it? hmm...well, for one, people here are so nosy. I don't know what pleasure they get from minding other people's businesses, but whatever pleasure that is, i just hope it's worth their reputations. They act around like perfect creatures of God, incapable of committing grammatical lapses or mispronunciations, when in fact, the only thing they know about are schwas and linking verbs and "syntax and shit". Seriously, I have never heard them talk about education, poverty, economics..things that matter. They're so fixated with "syntax and shit" that they already think highly of themselves just because they know the latin word for vowels. lame!

Two, they create gossips about people and their misdemeanors as if these things meant their lives. I don't care if this trainer slept with his trainee, so shove it! And what is it with sex scandals?! I pity people who find fault to people who are victims of those videos. Sick guys here would boast about their copies of that certain video and use (or misuse) modern technology to spread the footage with their i-pity-this-girl-in-the-video look in their faces. Oh common, do you actually believe these guys?! They keep copies of the naked videos of their co-workers and tell everyone they actually feel "pity"?! Yeah, they feel pity alright...while having an erection! We are adults here. Maturity is free just like common sense. The only thing these couples in the videos are at fault with, is that they just wanted to give sex a little spice. Is sex bad? Is a little spice bad? Well then, stop fantasizing over that freakin' video and go point your stick over something else. If those videos showed something, it showed that some people are (or were) getting it....with real people...real time. As for those who clamor over these videos...two words: tsk..tsk..(hahaha..words)!

Three, ass-kissing freaks are the worst kind of co-workers. Everytime I see this guy in the office, a picture of him eating our boss' feces comes into my mind. In that picture, he's licking my boss' butt then the feces comes out and he eats it. Graphic, isn't it. Well, that's how bad the situation is. Everybody knows how good of an ass-kisser he is. And nobody has the gutts to say anything (except me, of course) practically because his saliva is what's keeping our boss' bum clean. Our boss thinks he's all that. I'll let her enjoy her thoughts. Anyway, things we don't know won't hurt us. And i don't want my beloved boss to be hurt, right? *wink*

The good thing about being the so-so person in the office is that you get to observe everybody and you get to react on everything there is about them. You can hate them..even loathe them...and they wouldn't mind...basically because, they don't know....they don't know you're observing...they don't know you're wrath exists...they don't know you're capable of reacting....

*sigh* ....the power of apathy....

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Rhetorics and Realizations

1. Rhetorical Letter #1
Dear Boss,
If you're so good, why aren't you promoted yet?

love,
Rhetorical Trainer

2. Rheotrical Letter #2
Dear Co-workers,
Same question, if you're so good, why aren't you promoted yet?

love,
Rhetorical Trainer

3. Rhetorical Letter #3
Dear all,
If rhetorical letters 1 and 2 are really rhetorical, why are you still here in ACS?

love,
Rhetorical Trainer

*****************************************

Desktops, Keyboards and Oxymorons

Oxymoron - a combination of contradictory or incongruous words (as cruel kindness)

1. Best Mediocres
2. True Hearsays
3. Idle Workhours
4. Hardworking bums
5. Appointed flexi schedule
6. Passive rebellion
7. Written listening exercises
8. Imperfect gods and godesses
9. Planned entropy
10. MISS ditte!

Above is a list of cleverly paired up words used by the author to intellegently describe the corporate phenomenon she calls "since-i'm-so-effin'-bored-i'm-gunna-make-a-blog".

*****************************************

Sad Non sequiturs

Non Sequitur
1 : an inference that does not follow from the premises; specifically : a fallacy resulting from a simple conversion of a universal affirmative proposition or from the transposition of a condition and its consequent
2 : a statement (as a response) that does not follow logically from or is not clearly related to anything previously said

1. You're smart and hardworking,; Therefore, your boss will appreciate you being in the team. Non sequitur.

2. You are the boss of Language trainers; Therefore, you have good communication skills. Non sequitur

3. You are apathetic; Therefore you do not have something to say. Non sequitur.

4. You are the "anak ng diyos" in your team; Therefore, you are the best among your co-workers. Non sequitur.

5. You treat a person in the office as a friend; Therefore, he will keep your secrets and he won't do anything to pull you down. Non sequitur.

*me in my before-i-finished-this-module state

the ultimatum

2008-03-29T06:27:00.000-07:00

Tell me I didn't love you enough.

Tell me I never listened.

Tell me I never accepted your imperfections.

Tell me I broke all my promises.

Tell me that I chose myself over you.

Tell me I never closed my eyes and swallowed my pride.

Tell me I never considered you.

Tell me my love wasn't enough.

Tell me I never let you win.

Tell me I weren't strong for you.

Tell me I'm weak.

Tell me I never fought for us...

...that I never fought to keep you.

Just tell me...

...so I'll come crawling back again.

my vernacular heart

2008-03-29T05:45:00.000-07:00

Hindi na ako matatakot magalit. Hindi na ako matatakot magtampo. Hindi ko na pipigilan ang sarili ko kung nasasaktan ako. Hindi ko na tutuyuin ang luha ko bago pa man sila pumatak. Hindi ko na itatago ang lahat ng sakit. Hindi na ako matatakot na lumaban. Hindi na ako magpapanggap. Hindi na ako ngingiti sa kabila ng mga ito. Hindi na ako magwawalang-bahala. Hindi ako magkikibit-balikat. Hindi na ako matatakot magsalita. Hindi na ako matatakot lumaban. Hindi na ako matatakot sabihing tama na. Hindi na ako matatakot sa posibilidad na hindi mo ako susundan. Hindi na ako matatakot na baka ito na ang katapusan. Hindi na ako matatakot na baka hindi mo ako habulin. Hindi na ako matatakot sa posibilidad na hindi mo ako ipaglalaban. Hindi na ako matatakot maging matapang

Kung talagang mahal mo ako...hindi mo ko hahayaang matakot.

Kung talagang mahal mo ako...ay malalaman ko na ngayon.

Dear Aries

2008-03-06T17:43:00.000-08:00

The paragraphs hereon would be senseless if I do not, beforehand engage in a rather self-indulgent piece. So spare me if I try to tell you who I am, even if you may not care, even if you feel you have no business with me, through this kind of communication, ironically enough.

Perhaps you already know some information about me, the superficial ones I suppose. I'd like to think I'm the only one who can actually describe "me", accurately, justifiably, at least. I would not therefore, dwell on what is obvious. I'll tell you the side of me that concerns you and consequently the side of me that doesn't want to concern you.

I am never greedy. I share whatever I have and try to make up for whatever I don’t have. This is the reason why I’m practically stuck in an unending whirl of investments, both financial and emotional. But I know better than to sulk over these. This incapacity to move forward as an individual because of the people who depend on me - those who clamour for attention, support and love – are those that also make me strong. My existence is somehow justified through them.

But I too have to depend on someone sometimes as I am not perfection. I too have a responsibility to justify someone else’s life. And this responsibility I found in Jarreed. I have depended and trusted the most fragile side of me to him – that side I never show to a lot of people, this side of me that’s scared and vulnerable and insecure, this side of me that concerns you.

Forgive me if I hate you a little. Know that, as I feel this, I know I’m acting way below my perceived level of maturity. I am just hurt that you are able to make him choose to talk to you over my constant reminder that I feel uneasy with even a mere mention of you. I am just hurt because I feel I am cheated somehow and that I am not given a fair fight – I am given just the present, just his present while you, you have his past and now, you’re here too.

I do not ask that you go or avoid him or to do anything in impulse as such will dig me deeper in the ground. You will gain his sympathy while I will be treated with a shrewd look every time matters of the past are discussed. You will have the advantage that while he thinks I am “irrationally, illogically and immaturely jealous”, you are “understanding, selfless and respectable.” I do not want to be in that place. Please do not put me there.

Forgive me if I hate you a little. I am given just the present, just his present while you have his past. And although, I’d like him to keep you there, you now are here. This is the part of me that concerns you. And I vow that this will be my last mention of it. I have reached the crux and I am moving on.

I will now take it on good faith that Jarreed makes the right decision and be happy with it. Or, he can make his mistakes and learn from them. I will erase every single presumption I have of him and you. I will work hard through long hours and live my life with the constant knowledge of its precariousness. I will love more but depend/expect less. I will concern myself only with people that matter to me – those whom I matter too. This is the side of me that doesn’t want to concern you. And I will stick by it and stand firm on it.

You have to fogive me if all of this came off as offensive to your sensibilities. Know that I have to forgive myself too, for doing this.

One Dawn with Jvee

2008-02-17T07:28:00.000-08:00

V: If this ever ends, I'll never love again.

J: And make yourself suffer? Brilliant!

V: What did I do wrong this time? Maybe I was soffucating him. Maybe I really am high-maintenance. Maybe I've been pushing him away all this time.

J: Stop making sense out of his actions. Stop justifying.

V: I wish I didn't love him this much so I won't hurt this much.

J: Listen! The only thing that's hurting you now is the fact that you have a big heart. If he cannot accept the love you have for him then that is not your problem. You have a big heart Simone. That's not a crime.

**************

V: When is pride just? If I leave to see if he's not going to let me go, if I try avoid conversation
to see if he's not going to stop fighting for me, if I try to find out if he loves me at all, is that
pride? And if it is, is it just?

J: Pride is just only when it is coupled with self-sacrifice. If your pride leads you to
contemptuous actions, then it will be your downfall.

V: "Pride and self-sacrifice" is an oxymoron. Or is that what you really mean?

J: Yes, because pride is about as useful as your appendix. Use it too often, it will bursst and
poison you from the inside.

V: I just want to preserve what left of me. Is that so wrong?

J: If you're doing it to preserve your dignity, fine. But if you're doing it just to hurt him, then
it's not okay.

V: What if by preserving my dignity, I hurt him too?

J: Then, it's purely selfish. It will lead to ruin. But don't make me stop you. Make your own
mistake and learn from it the hard way.

****************

thanks, jvee.

011608

2008-01-16T02:00:00.000-08:00

This is my attempt to cope.

Almost 12 hours since I dropped you off the airport and already I can feel it creeping in - slowly but surely. In constant intervals I find myself in a state where uber sadness and apathy seem to play tricks on me.

I went inside my room and thought of you instantly and how you peacefully slept on my bed during lazy days. I touched my bed hoping I could feel you. I smelled my sheets hoping that one of my senses at least, could delude me into believing that you're still here. I cried at that point of my search for you. I cried so hard I cried my way to sleep. When I woke up, I thought to myself, I'm going to be okay.

I prepared myself lunch and watched the early episodes of a korean series. I managed to smile - my first smile since this morning. I thought I was going to be okay. But I guess it was too early to say. I found myself crying again. I realized food and TV could have been better with you. The crying didn't stop until after a couple of minutes. And when it did, I decided to go out and write this.

Right now, I am busied by internet conversations with my friends. My eyes are dry and things seem to be okay. I know though that later, on my way home, I will be sulking again. I will realize how you held my hand and we laughed during most of our walks. And on my bed, I know I'll cry again.

**********

It's confusing how people say, "live life normally". It confuses me because I feel that the most normal way to live life right now is to cry for you...weep because we are (again) apart.

a great start

2008-01-01T05:22:00.000-08:00

Right at this moment, I'm sure there are a lot of people all over the world thinkin about the things that happened in the previous year. Like them, I too, must admit that I do a lot of reminiscings whenever we celebrate New year's. I think about the goals I set at the start of that year and ask myself if I have achieved them. I think of the things I have done wrong.And those I have done just right. I think of the new places I've gone that year and the new faces I've met. I think of those good and bad things.

This new year's though, I can't help but to only have one thought in mind.

"Last 2007, Jarreed happened."

No medals...no extravagant trips...no big breaks.

Just one health-conscious, broad-shouldered know-it-all named Jarreed. =)

hmm...two less lonely people in the world for 2008. *wink*wink*

...

2007-12-18T09:27:00.000-08:00

She was there and you were right beside me. I saw her looking at you and in a heartbeat - women's intuition- I looked if you were were looking at her too. It was right there and thenwhen I saw my nemesis. It was directly at me, mocking me, telling me I was helpless. My heart started to break down in pieces. I suddenly fell short of breath. I wanted to scream. But the nemesis stopped me. It was all so clear what it was trying to say - "You can cry, shout and beg for me to go away, but I won't. I am inevitable."

It was clear that I'll lose if I battle against it. So I didn't, or at least, I tried not to. I faked a smile, tried to make a conversation, pretended it didn't happen. But as I did all these things, I felt my
self-esteem recoil as if it was lost then found then lost again. I felt low. I felt ugly, fat and stupid. It was then when my heart broke lose from the inhibiting force of my mind. It commanded every part of my body to act in accordance to what it was feeling. It pushed the tears out of
my eyes. It made my vocal chords create this deafening sound of pain and helplessness. Suddenly, I was faced with the nemesis again. But this time, I was up for war.

I talked to you and tried to gently reprove that "stare" you shared with that stranger - that stare you deemed as innocent but would be otherwise believed so by many. Surely enough, you defended your side and tried to make me realize what you considered as your logical approach to what happened, ergo, my illogical jealousy. But really, would you expect a sympathetic or tolerant attitude from a person whose heart and pride were torn? Did you think that logic would make me stop from crying? If any, your logic made me worse. It told me that I should quit crying. It ordered me to stop hurting. It told me that I do not have reasons to
feel the way I was feeling in the first place. Your logic made me seem illogical. Hence, the nemesis was justified. And I was left there feeling like a soldier who lost a battle she did not choose to be in. I was there liked a confused and helpless dreamer who suddenly found out
that she's trapped in a dream within a dream. And like that dreamer, I told myself, "Stop this, stop hurting, just wake up."

The nemesis at this point was talking to me. Should I give in and bargain? Or should I fight till the bitter end?

What was left of my pride was telling me that I should opt not to even go through battling against it - not now, not ever. It was telling me to walk away. But I knew, I'd never be able to walk away from it - not now, not ever. It is, to reiterate, inevitable.

I slept through that night and the next few nights contemplating. I cannot win. I cannot win alone.

The hurt is still with me now as I write this and it probably still will be the moment you read this. The nemesis will always be lurking around. I ask you to fight it with me. Think of me when it appears to you and remind yourself of our plans, our goals and our love. We are
stronger together.

No intensity of temptation will break us unless we permit it to.

J

2007-12-12T01:53:00.000-08:00

I will not stop fighting.

I will fight until your unwavering pride realizes I'm stronger.

I will fight until I see you weak and vulnerable.

I will fight until you stop fighting.

And then...

I'll love you even more.

I'll love you and make you proud of me...make you proud that you're with me.

I'll love you and reassure you that I'll be here through weakness and
vulnerabilty.

I'll love you until I am not anymore capable of loving.

To Jvee

2007-08-28T04:41:00.000-07:00

"This life is yours. Take the power to choose what you want to do and do it well. Take the power to love what you want in life and love it honestly. Take the power to walk in the forest and be a part of nature. Take the power to control your own life. No one else can do it for you. Take the power to make your life happy." *Susan Polis Schutz*

"Take the power to make your life happy."...or miserable....

Did I already tell you about the book I'm reading right now? It's about a gathering after this guy's funeral. It's about people talking about his life. Some narrated a very evil side of him. Some told stories about how charming and funny he was. Some tried to explain why he died.

hmm..makes me think of death. If you die Jvee, because of this, (bad phrasing but can't think of any other way to say it), I won't tell people how close we were and how you inspired me and how brilliant your thoughts were. I won't say how your ideas seemed to run so deep they touched my heart. I won't tell them how I enjoyed talking toyou...arguing even. I won't tell them I wish you're still here...very much alive.

I'll tell them you're stubborn as hell and that you never listened. I'll give you the favor of telling everyone that you died because you chose to be miserable...because you were too loyal for your own good...and because you thought you could never find anyone else who'd even come close to her qualities. I'd tell everyone that you never let go and that you didn't even try. I'd tell them how stupid and pessimistic you were in believing that the pain you're feeling is better than the "alternative".

I'll tell them you died because of your own chosen fate.

simone

Of Love and Games

2007-08-19T04:38:00.000-07:00

You hide behind a lot of things.

You hide behind your poems. You hide behind your circumstance. You hide behind your fear.

You hide what you really feel through tons of words that will altogether mean just only one thing. You hide from what your heart says by saying that no words can suffice it.

You hide who you really are by putting justification to your actions. You wear your misfortunes proudly as if these are going to make people tolerate you, if not understand. You wave your misery so high in your attempt to give yourself the right to act they way you want to act, to feel the way you want to feel, or even to NOT feel the way you really feel. You blame it all on your circumstance.

You hide your fragility and sensitivity through your cold, detached front. You mask your want to belong- to love and be loved- through your prejudicial mind which operates similarly like that buzzer machine in spelling competitions - you are in every way a control freak trying not to misspell a word, trying not to make that buzzer sound, trying not to lose the game. You dismiss anything you can't define, much less understand because you know that your inability to define these things is like an acknowledgement of your inability to control them. You hide behind your fear of the unknown - or is it, your fear of the things you refuse to know.

I can tell you a million reasons why you should stop this but only one that I will, with all my heart and soul, mean.

Stop hiding Jarreed. Coz I'm It. And this game isn't fun anymore.

wanted: bestfriend

2007-07-21T09:03:00.000-07:00

I'm jealous of two women right now. Two.

I'm jealous of her because she's his bestfriend and I'm jealous of the other because of the same reason.

I could've been one of those two faces. I was one of those two women. But made a decision so I could be the other. But I am, still, not. And I think I will never be.

"Selfish or Selfless?" That was Jvee talking.

If only I could be selfish so I could be one of those two women (at last or again?).

"You're in the losing end(s)." Jvee again.

Selfish...i might lose him...selfless....i might lose myself.

"Whatever you do, question is, will he(?) have you?" Jvee.

He's right. Fuck. Rejection on both sides.

rEwInD

2007-06-24T12:25:00.000-07:00

long overdue blogs...i have them all in my laptop...never had the time to post them...it's 3:28 am and i'm still up...got nothing to do so here...hmm...this, is gunna be one hella long blog...

******************************

>>>Cold World (10/23/2006)<<<

What’s the worse feeling in the world?

For me, it’s having the colds. I hate having colds. If I have them, it’s instant fever for me…instant coughing and sneezing all the time…instant reminders to self that I have to breathe through my mouth because I’d die if I won’t…and instant realizations that I can’t hide it from anybody…even from myself. No matter how I convince myself that I’m perfectly fine today…nothing will change the fact that my nose is not working well…and that I’m sick…and nobody’s here to take care of me.

What could be worse than having your nose all red with your body temperature going up and down every hour with just you to take care of you?

Maybe that’s why they call it the colds…coz when you have them, you suddenly realize how cold everything else is.

Hmmm…makes me wanna write a song… “this world’s cold when you’ve got the colds…everybody knows that you have ‘em but nobody cares if you got’ em…the world is cold…he’s not coming..he’s as cold as colds.”

Oh I hope I get well soon.

*****************************************

>>>Discussion Part 1 (10/26/06, 10:20 pm)<<<

Simone approaches co-worker.

Simone: It irritates me when people ask, “why don’t you…”, “why can’t you…” questions? It somehow makes me want to scream, tell those people out loud, can’t you think of anything else to do than to pester me with that question?I don’t…because I just don’t…I can’t because I just can’t. The answer to that question is the question itself. What in that is so hard to understand?

Co-worker smiles.

Co-worker: Right. What in that is so hard to understand? So if the question is “why can’t you”..your answer will be “because you can’t”. And if you’re asked, why don’t you..then perhaps you’re answer yould be…

Simone batts in.

Simone: Because I just don’t.

Co-worker’s unconvinced.

Co-worker: Don’t you really? Why don’t you eat that cake there? Because you just don’t? You don’t eat cake? Common Simone. You don’t eat that cake now not because you just don’t eat cake but because you don’t want to eat it. You do eat cake…you just don’t want to eat cake.

Simone being slow.

S: And so? I don’t want to eat it, big deal.

Co-worker smiles.

C: It’s not you can’t because you just can’t and you don’t because you just don’t. It’s you can’t and you don’t because you don’t want to.Tell me, why can’t you let go? Why don’t you let go?

Simone not agreeing.

S: Yeah right? Because I don’t want to? Common, you know me better than that.

Co-worker: So you want to let go?

Simone: Yes.

Co-worker: Then why don’t you?

Simone pauses.

S: Because wanting to do something isn’t enough reason to do it.

C: There you go…you finally answered it right.

Simone realized something…gets pissed off…went to the computer and made a blog.

******************************************

>>>Discussion Part 2 (10/27/06, 2:5 am)<<<

Simone pissed.

Why would I give in to you?

If you really want me to let go…then why don’t you give me a better reason to do so.

You think avoiding conversation is enough reason for me to forget? Well I think I proved you wrong.

Is that the best you could do?

Fuck it.

Simone mellowed down.

If you want me to let go, just say it. Give me the real reason why you want me to do so. Talk to me. Tell me why I should just forget.

I want to let go too. But wanting it isn’t enough push for me to do it. I need you to help me. Help me let you go.

**********************************************

>>>Saturday Night Fever (10/23/06, 2:15 am)<<<

Last Saturday night was selfishly fun.

Well, as most of you might probably know already, my phone gave up on me after my loyalty to it for more than 3 years. I guess this guy was right when he said I should sell it already before it starts getting gay. But okay, I really have this thing on loyalty and sentimental value. So there, I am now officially without a phone and officially loving it. Weeee! Nope, not buying one anytime soon. I’m even thinking of not buying one ever again. Hahaha.

And umm..of course, no internet access for me for quite some time now. I’ve been assigned to our company’s other building where internet access is scarce. It doesn’t really matter anyway right? My internet days are over.

And so umm…where was I? oh yeah, Saturday night.

Well, with no means of connection to the outside world, and of course with my housemate out partying somewhere, I spent the night in my room full of clutter with my favorite cake in a platter, lots of chips and other junk food, cold iced tea and of course, my latest addiction…this bisexual-inspired television series called Queer as folk. It was really fun. I borrowed the DVD from my housemate…well umm..i didn’t actually ask permission, I just took it from his drawers. Hahaha...it was somewhat of a liberating experience..not that im naïve or anything, but watching it made me realize that there are really lots of things happening these days that not all of us are aware of. I for example didn’t know that bisexualism is already that big, big enough to make a series out of it. I throught of a couple of guys that I knew and at the end of my tv series marathon for the night, I finally concluded…they’re gay.

Ok so I started watching it 8pm. The next thing I knew, I looked out the window and saw the sun. I literally spent the whole night watching the stories of these cute gay guys. I turned off the laptop half past 6 and slept with a tummy full of junk food, a brain full of bisexual imageries and with the lovely thought that the past night was all for me.

I should slack off more. Hahaha…there…I’m laughing.

anomaly

2007-06-18T09:17:00.000-07:00

how can i hate you when you you make me happy in my dreams?

hooosaaa

2007-06-12T08:58:00.000-07:00

I am too angry...

Spare me for anything I have said or might say...

Believe me, it's better this way...

Enough!

2007-06-12T06:51:00.001-07:00

to you,

you disguise your selfish mind through your claim of everlasting love.

you hide your misdemeanors through your array of sweet words and caring actions.

you created this facade of seemingly perfect relationship to satisfy your thirst for self-assurance.

Well, here's a shout-out to the world:

Fuck You!

Fuck you and your reprimands.

Fuck you and your soffucating affection.

Fuck you and your inability...err...unwillingness to compromise.

Fuck you and your never-ending paranoia.

Fuck you and your accusations.

Fuck you and your rebounds.

Fuck you and your fucking defense mechanism every time we fight.

Fuck you and your shallow thinking that every fight is an oppurtunity to determine who's right and who's wrong.

Fuck you and your ability to make me this angry.

Fuck you because you've awaken me from apathy.

This is my fuckin blog. If you don't like what's written in it. That's your problem.

The Chapter of my Life Called Blackhawks

2007-06-11T07:36:00.000-07:00

We were both foot soldiers.

I was not instantly interested in him. I have a boyfriend that time, Reagan. I was head over heels over that guy such that nobody seemed to be equally lovable and likable. Not even him.

I remember only vague details about him before the time we dated. He was quiet most of the time. He laughed at my jokes. He has this soothing voice. And he looked respectable, morally upright and yeah...uptight. I remember him talking about his girlfriend one time. And I remember him pulling a practical joke on me...which I found cute. Other than those, I don't remember anything about our pre-relationship past anymore. If we really have one.

You see, we pulled it off in a sort of one time big time way. We were in a party. He was tipsy. I was too. He was in the process of getting over somebody. I was trying to cope with the recent break-up with 6-year-bestfriend-turned-boyfriend ex boyfriend, Reagan. It started off with a joke of us hooking up. Well, in normal circumstances, that kind of agreement is really that which you don't take seriously especially if it was made when both parties were influenced by alcohol. I remember feeling a bit awkward when I finally got back into my senses. I realized I wasn't too drunk to completetly forget everything that we talked about that night.

The first days of the pseudo-relationship was a whole game of trial and error. We both knew we weren't serious. It was just, we were both lonely.

I don't know the exact date. But one day, I woke up and I I felt I could never be happier. I was deeply in love with him. I loved the way he held my hand and the way he smiled. I loved the way he said sorry and the way he shared his thoughts. I loved the way he loved me. It was pure. It was true. And for a moment there, I thought, it was never-ending.

We had fights. We had disagreements. But nothing really prepared us from what happened that year. I found out about my dad's extra-marital affairs. And there, it began. Infidelity.

I was in a trance. I didn't mean everything I did. I was never happy with anyone else. But I found it hard to stop. Soonafter, our relationship began to fall down.

We tried to save it. We tried to hang on. But some things are really irreconcilable. He hurt me. And for various reasons, I think I understood him.

We were both foot soldiers. Fate led us there...to face that war together...And God knows how much we tried.

Jc and I lost the battle.

But I believe, I will never lose him, nor will he ever lose me.

at long last

2007-03-28T15:34:00.000-07:00

watch out for a lot of blog postings this week....old blogs, that is...

haven't found time to upload them...

..

2007-01-07T15:23:00.000-08:00

He refused to have me back. And now, everyday is a fucker. I find myself waking up, (that is if I managed to sleep), with the worst kind of emptiness. I busy myself with korean DVDs and make myself believe that it can actually take my mind out of what happened. And then when it's (again) time to sleep, i think of you.

I know it may sound cruel but now that I'm grieving over my loss of him, I try to console myself by thinking of you...by pretending it's you I'm running after...by making myself believe that it's you I'm waiting for. Somehow, it gives me a sense of closure. You know why? Coz i know you'll never come back...nor speak to me...nor care for me. I think of you because you're cruel...because you left without even saying goodbye...because you hurt me...and because I know you won't know of this.

You will never know that I cried for every single phone call you refused to answer. You will never know how I hated November. And you will never know how much you hurt me.

And now that I cry for another, I think of you. Thinking of you is easier for me. Somehow it reminds me that the worst is over. It makes me believe that you're the reason for these tears.

Somehow, it's easier to cry over a person who you know will never care for you than to do so over a person whose love you took for granted.

.

2007-01-07T15:16:00.000-08:00

What is emptiness?

When you discover yourself crying without knowing why...that's it.
When you literally have to remind yourself not to cry..that's it.
When you pretend that he's in Aklan, or somewhere very far...that's it.
When you make yourself believe you haven't met him at all...that's it.

If there's something I should thank my circumstance for...it's added vocabulary and my recent poetic inclination.

playing GOLDFISH!

2006-11-21T01:48:00.000-08:00

I miss saying your name..I miss thinking about you...I miss missing you...

I don't want to end like this... I don't wanna get used to your absence...

But things happen...and this happened...

...I'm starting to get used to the art of forgetting...the art of apathy.

Bachelor of Arts in Stupidity...graduating summa cum laude...Me!

2006-11-17T09:19:00.000-08:00

Probably the most painful experience I had would be that night...the first night of this eternal heartache...the first few hours of loneliness...the first few seconds of this immortal suffering....

Even death can't make me numb.

When it hits you...you die right there...like you'll never smile again.

The experience is liberating. It takes you to the reality that pain cannot be fully defined by tears, weight loss and silent intervals alone. Pain is beyond all those things.

Pain is you...and my undying want to be with you...Pain is you...and my incapacity to make you mine...again.

Sometimes I wish I'd just die...but yeah, death is overrated...it can never make me numb.

It hurts when someone you love hurts you but it's worse when you hurt him.

up, up and away Vanessa!

2006-09-20T10:38:00.000-07:00

I am supergirl if i tell mysel i am...

I can withstand this pain...

I can tolerate this sufferring due to lack of attention...your attention...

I can spend a day without worrying about you...

I can resist not looking at my phone wishing you'd call...

I can learn how to just take it all in...

I can move on...

I can learn how to let go...

I can be supergirl if I tell myself I can be...

but who am i kidding...

-

2006-09-12T11:19:00.000-07:00

"If pain must come, may it come quickly..because i have a life to live and i need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now, then i will either wait for him or forget him...Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful..but not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering..."
- By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept, Paulo Coelho

I hope you'll realize that I'm still here...and that i don't know what to do.

2 years...

2006-08-31T11:59:00.000-07:00

Goodbye My Lover
by James Blunt

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

*here's what i want to say to you now...and for always

with a long and deep sigh

2006-08-21T08:10:00.000-07:00

got this sms from jeanne...

"somtimes i wish i could just go back to when the only man in my life was my dad and my only bestfriend (and in my case, my only enemy as well, hehehe) was my mum and everything can be healed with a band aid and a lollipop"

so annoyingly true...

ok, let's ponder on this...

My brother and I shared the same toys when we were kids. No, no barbie dolls..only toy soldiers and mini-cars and of course...our very own walkie-talkie. At that time, all that mattered was that pair of walkie-talkies. I had the best playmate (my dear brother erson) and the best playground (with a little imagination of course). Gosh, if only i could freeze those moments.

I don't want to say that my tita's right when she said that life is just a whirlwind of bills and debts...i don't wanna think that way...i want to believe that there's more to life than those things...but of course, it's really hard to make yourself believe that there is indeed more to life when at the end of everyday what shows up at you doorstep is this bulk of letters containing numbers you have to pay...and this will go on until your kids grow up and their kids grow up...and so yeah...tita's right...life is indeed JUST a whirlwind of bills and debts...so sad.

i wish every moment is just like our walkie-talkie ones. I wish I go back to the time when all that mattered was, "this is vanny.over.nasan ka.over.kain na tayo.over.tulog pagkatapos.over."

munchin' my way out of misery

2006-07-24T14:21:00.000-07:00

Supposed to post this the other week but the internet connection got crazy.
So here it is...

Let's talk about food.

I wanna talk about something really positive in nature today.

So okay, let's talk about food.

I'm having my tour of asia this week. Last monday, I had japanese.
Tuesday, it's japanese (again) for lunch and thai for dinner. Wednesday
it's pure filipino cuisine, the oriental one. Thursday, i think i'll go
for chinese and friday, well...i'm still thinking about it.

Feel bad leaving my housemate alone in the apartment for the whole week.
But yeah, a princess has to do what a princess has to do. Yeah..a
princess...I'm staying at my dad's place for the whole week..meaning, in
this nice hotel with all the perks like the whole entertainment package,
TV, pool, spa, breakfast in bed...everything. A princess..yeah
sure...the only thing I have to worry about this week is how to get up
because it's harder to get out of bed especially when the bed is so
freakin' soft and your room is so free of the daily noise of the city.
You just wanna bum around the room and watch movies all day. Ditch work!
But yeah, after some hours of not thinking about work, you'll realize
that this huge room with all the perks of modern technology is in fact
empty. After some hours of channel-searching and munching over the
goodies in the fridge, you'll suddenly realize that something's
missing...someone's missing. The princess at this point realizes that
she's freakin' lonely...anxious for a call from anybody...clamoring for
attention from the outside world. Does somebody out there care for me?

Yeah..food...let's get back to that because i'm starting to get
depressed again. Hmm...I think so far, i like japanese most. California
Maki is the best. Bibimba and misono comes next..yumyum! Veggies here in
the Philippines are incomparable though. Crispy kangkong and ginataang
kalabasa (squash with coconut milk)...hmm...heaven! Food really has a
way of helping me convert bad vibes into good ones, or at least suppress
them for a bit.

I'm satiated. I'm full. The food's great so far, I hope it gets better
as the day passes...enough to keep me sane...food is good...it makes
people feel better...i ate lots a while ago..i feel good...i feel
better...i'm okay..i'm going to be okay...there...i think i got it.

just a random thought

2006-06-21T00:23:00.000-07:00

So this is Simone...

straight hair...

long legs...

tall...

white...

blonde...

she's nothing like me..ermm... i'm nothing like her

will i be better off being who she is...or being like her at least?

Well it'll sure be something if I can just pose like her infront of the camera...It'll be something (for some maybe) if i'll have her supermodel body.

But then again, that's not me...

Yes I'm simone. I'm simone vanessa. Being like that girl in the picture leaves out the "vanessa" in me. I'm simone + vanessa. not just simone..not just like her...

Am i something more? ionno.

RAIN

2006-06-20T23:52:00.000-07:00

You always came when I least expect it. You always came when I didn't want you to. And when I finally want you to be here, you're not...

I don't like the mix of emotions you cause me whenever you're near. It's like a feeling of relaxation, sadness and loneliness all at the same time. One moment, i just wanna smile and then suddenly all turns gray like I wanna just lock myself up in my room. Somehow you bring back the child in me. When you're here, I just wanna run like a kid not minding anything. When you're here, I immediately remember Wonderland, late-night hide and seek, walkie-talkies and treehouses. But then, when you're here I also remember lonely days, those days when all I could do is cry. Your presence seems to give me an instant feeling of loneliness, like I'll never smile again. Contradictory, i know.

Right now though, right now that you're here, it seems like I've missed you. I've missed the times when i could just embrace you...those times when I still haven't associated you to anything negative..those times when life was easy and innocent...and free.

I'll love you again...one day maybe...one day...maybe...

dreams

2006-06-12T11:23:00.000-07:00

a friend had this line posted in her blog...

"If all dreams come true, there's no sense in dreaming anymore"

No doubt about that...i just hope we'll get to choose what dreams would and wouldn't come true...

I mean, even if we get to choose, that's still gunna be hard for me. For a girl who has lots of dreams...choosing among those dreams would be like choosing between shopping for tops and umm...shopping for shoes...hahaha..both shopping...well, you know what i mean.

But yeah, it's a given that not all of our dreams come true. Right, because if that's so then it'll forfeit the purpose of dreaming itself...*sigh* that's just one of the bitter realities we just have to get used to.

I hope I'll get this one dream i have in mind though. Never mind the others, just this.

If this one comes true, I'll never have to dream again...i'll have all that i wanted right here...right here with me...right here with me now....and that's all i want...that's all i'll ever want...just that.

clap...clap...clap...happy

2006-06-04T07:50:00.000-07:00

Laptop's getting full of these unposted blogs...anyway, read on...

Sometimes when I’m alone, I think of the good times.

It’s not all bad with Jonathan. I mean, I know it’s just puppy love but bottom line is it’s still love. And for one period of time, he was my only reason to smile, my greatest motivation to get out of bed every morning, my first and last thought everyday we were together. He was my good vibes. Everything then was bliss. Every hard task seemed not that hard and I seemed to enjoy everything I did. I enjoyed school at that time. I loved the dawn because it was the only time we got to talk long hours over the phone. Yeah, I have to admit I was happy. It never worked but it wasn’t all that bad.

I miss jacklyn and Czarina. We could’ve made it. It could’ve been BEA forever. We were like the inseparables before. We laughed our lungs out at almost everything. We went to each others’ houses and visited each other often. We went boating and played the dance revolution game in the playstation. We had this addiction of collecting this brand of t-shirt and we had this unintentional fortune of getting linked with guys born in the 13th of April. I can’t forget the time when we stayed late in school. We just stayed there, enjoying each others’ unique company. Yeah, unique. I can never replace the times we spent together. I can never replace you both.

I think the first nicest thing I’ve heard is when this girl, Cristine Joy, from gradeschool, introduced me to her parents as her bestfriend. I’ve never had a bestfriend at that time. That was the first. It felt overwhelming. I felt really special. I never forgot that day. I can still remember the whole thing, the exact words that were uttered, the exact place, everything. Sometimes, I just wish we didn’t have to graduate in grade school. Then maybe, joy and I couldn’t have been this indifferent with each other.

When I graduated in pre-school, my siblings sort of gave me this gift. They were plastic flowers, the ones that never withered. In the box, it said, we’re proud of you ate. Just the thought of that gift makes my heart melt. Yeah, those flowers were synthetic, but they were real enough for me…and they never withered. I have them all in my heart.

Romeo. He was literally my romeo. Romeo Velasco Jr. was the first guy to ever give me chocolates and court me at home and literally announce his plan of courtship to everybody I knew. He was Romeo for 3 years. And I was his little hard-to-get-but-obviously-likes-me girl. He gave me this bracelet which had the words I love you written on it. He treated me to a play in their school and proudly introduced me to his friends, with the that’s-my-girl-isn’t-she-pretty look on his face. He had their fridge alphabet magnet arranged so it spelled my name. He said sweet things whenever he talked to me and he did crazy stuffs for me (besides tag along for 3 years with my brat attitude). He literally had to pretend and lie to his cousin that he was helping him to court me (coz back then his cousin was the one who’s courting me) so he can talk to me over the phone. I couldn’t imagine how he managed to change his voice like his cousin’s so he can tell me that he (romeo) likes me. He couldn’t tell it himself, even if it was on the phone. I thought it was cute. Our relationship was cute. And I can never really forget that guy and of course, the things he did just to have me as his girlfriend. I don’t think I told him I liked him too. Thanks JR for making me feel that I was the prettiest girl.

angst...angst...angst...(the german word for agony?!?)

2006-06-04T07:42:00.000-07:00

just one of those files I saved in my laptop...should've posted this months ago...

The biggest irony in the nature of man is the fact that he constantly longs for everything to fall into place…and when everything is, he’s still not contented.

For almost three years now, I have been a rebel. The unchangeable fact about my dad’s extra-marital affairs crushed me so much, I have never been the same since that day I have confirmed that the little hunch I had of his womanizing turned out to be not so little after all. My favorite guy in the whole world…gone…just like that.

I kept telling myself that now that he’s gone, no one’s gunna hurt my family anymore. Nobody can hurt me any longer. But it didn’t turn out that way. He’s there, happy now and I’m here…still a rebel.

I ask myself, a rebel to what? Everything’s falling into place now. I’m doing great in my studies. I have the best boyfriend in the world. My siblings and I never had better relationship than what we have now. What more is there that I don’t have now?

It’s been three years since that day I lost my dad and yet I’m still here on the same ground…rebelling…rebelling till it hurts…rebelling till I exhaust myself…rebelling till I unlearn the art of feeling…rebelling against myself.

*tears*

workaholic? Nah!

2006-05-30T11:07:00.000-07:00

At my desk right now...errmmm...not exactly MY desk...some guy's desk from work...boyet?...yeah..boyet...logged in with my direct supervisor's account (btw, my supervisor looks like romnick sarmienta)...yeah, he willfully shared his password...hehehe...they're having my umm...desk and PC ready (i hope!) in the other building...i hope it's pretty...well...they usually have uniform desks and chairs computers here but hey anybody can dream right?...hehehe...so umm...i'm doing research now...looking for party themes and ideas over the net...yeah,yeah nobody asked me to but hey it's better than bumming around the office...hahaha...geezz...i'm not much of a "work enthusiast" but hello?...can somebody please assign me to do some real work already?...it's freezing cold in here and if i don't start working, my braincells are gunna freeze to death any second now...FOR THE LOVE OF umm...LATE-NIGHT MOVIE MARATHONS...hahaha...PLEASE GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO...PUHLEEZ!...

btw, graveyard shifts?...hmmm...not very convenient but not too bad...the hardest thing about it is when you get to go home very early in the morning with that please-give-me-my-bed look while everybody else looks so fresh and ready for work...you just have to resist the urge of screaming your lungs out..."MY EYEBAGS ARE NOT THAT BIG, STOP STARING!"...HAHAHA!...

lots of stories about work and the people i work with next time...gotta go...buhbye!

The not-so-attractive e

2006-04-06T21:40:00.000-07:00

I'm a brat, I know. I hate doing chores. I hate being bossed around. I hate people telling me what to do.

I desperately crave for undivided attention. I constantly let myself believe each day of my life that I deserve everyone's eyes and ears because it's true.

I get irritaed easily. I get irritated when it's hot and when I see a lot of people. I get irritated if thing's don't go my way. It's my way or the highway...hahaha!

I have this really bad habit of eavesdropping and gossiping about people even if they're just inches away from me. Hey, it's a free country! (I think?!?)

My eyebrows are overused due to my stand-offish attitude. My lips are starting to be fixated in a "pouting" position due to excessive use for snobbing people. And my brain, it's starting to get filled up with bad vibes due to my constant irritation for some people who think they're better than me. You're not ok? Deal with it!

I'm a brat, I know. And if you have a problem with that, then that's your problem, not mine.

Friendster Mania

2006-03-01T03:18:00.000-08:00

browsing through my friends' friendster accounts...

hahaha!

I find it amusing how people would really take some time updating their friendster profiles with the latest html codes and CSS fads. hehehe!

Like this one friend of mine. Goodluck sayo kung maopen mo yung profile niya! Maghahang ang pc mo kahit pentium 4 pa yan. hahaha! The only way to contact him through friendster is to post a bulletin. hehehe!

Tas itong friend ko, araw-araw bago ang background ng friendster niya. Adik! hehehe!

May iba namang parang nakaupload na ang buong buhay nila sa sobrang dami ng pics. hehehe! gaya ko...hahaha!

meron namang nakakahilo. As in lahat na lang ng nakasulat sa profile niya parang umiikot, with matching falling objects pa as his background. Tatlo ang videos niya and as if it's not enough may glittering fonts pa siya na parang sinasabing "beh, ang galing ko sa html at css noh?" hehehe! Meron din pala siyang personalized slideshow ng pics niya. Ok na sana, kaya lang pati yung pictures niya gumagalaw. Waaahhh! It's alive! hehehe!

Wala lang. I just find it pretty amusing na even through our seemingly busy world, sobrang kina-carreer pa rin ang friendster.hehehe.

about the girl

2006-02-25T21:07:00.000-08:00

Have you ever looked at a person...study that person's face and then try to pinpoint where and when you've met this same person coz she freakin' looks familiar and then eventually you give up coz you're not quite up to dig the deep pit of your bad memory and then one day you look at your face in the mirror...and my God...you look like her!?

I'm telling you, it's scary!

And then after a while you finally get over the fact that somebody looks like you and then you check your friendster and then it's her again. You tell yourself, "hmm...i wonder what's up with this girl?" And so you browse through her blogs and her profile and then...o my God! It's that instant feeling of shock that's somehow pushing you to say..."really? Come on!" Geezzz...I found out that she likes Sidney Sheldon and that her star sign is libra and that she sings, dances and plays the guitar. I found out that she liked pink too. And yeah, she writes a lot as well. Is that freaky or what? I mean, she's just like my twin of some sort. Ionno, but it's scaring me. I actually want to ask her personally about her family tree just so i'll have a logical reason why we're so similar.

Anyway, I don't know if she realizes these things.

If you happen to bump into her in the PHAN building or anywhere in UP, do me a favor, don't stare at her ok? She has already enough eyes observing her. hehehe!

Clueless

2006-02-25T03:43:00.000-08:00

i flunked the law exam.

It's weird. I didn't know it could hurt this much. When I heard the results from a friend and she said i didn't make it, a blurry picture of my future suddenly occured to me. Blurry, unsure, insecure. I'm suddenly drowned with these thoughts that seemed to exhaust all the energy I have at that moment. Where would I go? What would become of me now? Would I still make it? I actually don't have any answer to any of these questions. All i know is that I'm here...now...unable to move...unable to picture a successful and happy life in the future.

What now bang? What's plan B?

The things i wanted to say last summer 2003

2006-02-25T03:31:00.000-08:00

Strike 1: for leaving me clueless of your feelings

Strike 2: for not knowing that you're leaving me clueless of your feelings

Strike 3: for doing all those things for me before and then saying that you just wanted to have many friends.

You're out.

a logical claim that is illogically causing me anxiety disorders

2006-02-25T03:10:00.000-08:00

Ok, i had the bad vibes out. Let's turn to the next subject.

Forgiveness.

A friend once said, "you have to separate the doer from the wrong doing." That kinda hit me hard.

I always hated people who reprimand me if i am not able to forgive. I say, my inability to forgive is a result of the wrong doings of others. I say, it's just a reaction to their mistakes. There would be no reaction if there wasn't any mistake done. This inability to forgive would not have been an inability if the wrong has not been done in the first place.

hmm..let's see. Separate the doer from the wrong doing? Help me on this guys, the wrong doing would not have hurt anybody if it had not been for the doer right? The wrong doing would have been nonexistent if it had not been for this individual who have chosen to do it...Am i making sense? My logic-meter says yes, i am making sense.

My friend told me to separate the doer from the wrong doing so i can forgive. Honestly, upon reflecting on what he said, i learned to hate the doer more.

Exaggerate this!

2006-02-25T02:44:00.000-08:00

i've lots to say today...

Let's start with those little happenings of my life that have affected me in a way i never expected it to affect me.

i hate my ex...as in really hate my ex...as in exaggerate the word HATE!

People say that i feel this way for him coz i'm not over him yet. I say they're totally wrong...As in totally wrong...as in exaggerate the word WRONG!

i hate him coz he's freakin' insensitive. He acts like some desperate guy who craves for attention. He acts like i have wronged him when in fact, he's the one who keeps on doing these super annoying things. He courts my bestfriend and my bestfriend's cousin and then he invites me to hang out with friends. And the nerve, he shows up with this girl whom he allegedly had a relationship with while we were still together. and then he talks about crap in our yahoo group like some kind of uneducated loser.

I hate to say this but i regret being with him. I mean, sure, they say that you learn from the past, thus, you shouldn't regret anything, but everytime I see his email posts, i just can't help it. It's like I wanna puke every memory i have of him. Sounds cruel huh? well, i'd be more than willing to send you his emails and for sure, you'd agree with me.

I hate him. Exaggerate HATE! And yes, i'm over him already. Exaggerate OVER already!

And yeah, if you're reading this right now,(my ex I mean), I want you to know that I'm exagerratedly wanting you to just pooof...disappear! Stop reading my blog!

.

2006-02-16T05:11:00.000-08:00

Silence doesn't mean that one doesn't exist.

Sometimes, it means patience, the humble attempt to control the urge of practically strangling a person through words whose profound meanings only a few people can understand.

Silence sometimes means giving this person the attention that he deserves, none.

Silence sometimes stands for apathy or even the mute response of the disheartened.

As for me, silence is a by-product of my busy schedule, of my thesis, of the incomparable stress of academic life. Silence is a result of my priorities, of what I think is more important above other things. Silence is my response to the complexities of my life now.

If your idea of existence rests on frequent emails and regular posts, then by all means, call me nonexistent.

Only true friends understand that friendship need not be based on tangibility, whether it's over the internet or on the phone or even in SMS. Friends need not say all the time that they remember each other. Friends need not send emails frequently just to let each other know of their care and yes, of their existence as well. They don't need these things. Because they already know.

Thanks to those true friends who understood and who always understand. It's inspiring to know that our friendship is of a stronger base. Rest assured that after I settle all of my work in school, I'd be back in mainstream again.I'd be back that even those who think wrongly of me will know that I still exist, that even those who reprimand my not being able to contact them will swallow their shallow definition of existence and of friendship.

I have spoken not to disprove your claims nor your judgement of me.

I have spoken because silence sometimes isn't loud enough.

PERIOD!

Shivers

2006-02-01T06:28:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it is about cold nights but everytime I go to bed and feel the chills of the night breeze, something in my heart seems to ache. Maybe it's something about wanting to be warm and wanting to have this feeling of being close with this being whose sole purpose is to rescue you from this depressing cold of the night. hmmm...Right now, that's the most profound reason I have why I hate cold nights. I don't know if I'm just making it up or if it's the real thing...but for now... it'll do.

=)

2006-01-02T01:43:00.000-08:00

Well...here's to start the year right.

This year, I plan to appreciate every single good thing that will happen in my life. And so far, here's my list of to-thank-fors:

Thanks to:

1.the kind nurse that helped my mum have a comfortable sleep in the hospital.
2. this internet connection because with it I got in touch with some really special people.
3. my sisters who made me smile today.
4. and to anonymous who read through this blog, whoever you are. You really made my day.=)

to be continued...

Optimism...that's the spirit!

2005-12-31T00:57:00.000-08:00

hmm...I've experienced a lot this year. So far, this is the most difficult year i've experienced in my 20 years of existence. A lot of people left my life and a lot gave me heartaches and pain. Honestly, I can only name three reasons why I shouldn't regret not dying in the year 2004. Other than those three, 2005 has left me with almost nothing to be thankful for.

Well, at least the worst is over. Nothing else can make me weak, not after what I've already gone through. They say life has its ups and down. I've surely went through the toughest downs already, 2006 can't be that bad.

*fingers crossed*

Happy New Year everyone!

Falalalala...lalalala!

2005-12-14T04:10:00.000-08:00

So okay, let's talk about Christmas.

Let's leave out the part about my gifts for my friends though. ahaha! It's still a long way before those gifts cease to be non-existent. So no, let's not talk about gifts. =)

Hmm...I don't think it's good to talk about my plans for christmas as well. My brain is still on my thesis. So no, let's not talk about christmas plans. =)

How about my wishlist? Well, everybody knows it anyway. I think posting it for a week in my friendster account is enough already. So no, let's not talk about my christmas wishlist. =)

Is santa clause ok to talk about? Nope, I stopped believing in those stuff a long ago. So no, let's not talk about reindeers and sleigh bells and christmas trees and stars and well...the like. =)

Falalalala...lalalala! *hums*

Christmas carols? hmm...I'm actually gunna sing some at the 18th and I literally have to go through major voice lessons just so I can sing'em right. And honestly, I don't wanna talk about do-re-mi yet. So no, no to christmas carols. =)

Noche Buena? I still haven't eaten dinner yet and I don't wanna drool infront of all these people here at the thought of noche buena. So no, let's not talk about noche buena...yet. =)

Hmmm...that leaves us with ummm...nothing much really.

So are we still gunna talk about christmas? Nah! Let's leave that to the rest of the world. =)

just for laughs

2005-12-12T06:40:00.000-08:00

The other sunday as with the previous sundays for the past two years, I did nothing but bum around the house with a book by Dan Brown, ate when it was meal time and slept until my head was ready to explode. Nope, I had no plan of going to church.

And then just yesterday, I attended three masses. Imagine that!

Sometimes, I suprise myself.

When I joined the choir, I really felt imtimidated with the old members. Everybody knew how to read notes and everybody sang well. Except me of course. Whole notes and G-clefs are really not my thing. So poor me.

And then just yesterday, I hit the highest possible note an alto can sing. I didn't lose my tune and I ended up getting invited to sing alto for two other choral groups. Yey me!

Sometimes, I surprise myself.

And then, there are some days when my hair doesn't seem to look right and my skin looks pale and my eyes? don't ask! It's the end of the world!

But then again, there are also some days, not quite rare but not frequent either, when my eyes get fixated on this girl's face who looks really charming with her sweet smile and expressive eyes. And then when I look closer, I realize that I'm just looking at my reflection. It's me all along. hahaha!

Sometimes I surprise myself.

*wag kumontra.

Schizophrenia

2005-12-02T07:27:00.000-08:00

just came home from choir practice.stop.I'm so tired.stop.My body's ready to collapse.stop.My brain's killing me.stop.I can't think right coz a lot of things are in my head.stop.I wanna get some sleep.stop.I wanna get these thoughts out of my stupid brain.stop.I just wanna have peace of mind.stop.But I can't.stop.These thoughts won't let me.stop.I can't sleep coz I know they will still be in my dreams.stop.I can't get some rest with this array of unwanted brain activities.stop.I can't sleep.stop.I can't stop.stop.I want to though.stop.I want to stop.stop.Stop.stop.Grrr.stop.Oh shut up.stop.I said shut up.stop.Just go away.stop.Just please.stop.please.stop.stop please.stop.stop it.stop.STOP IT! stop.

The adventure I call "today"

2005-11-27T03:06:00.000-08:00

The things I hate about today:

1. I'm practically up all night last night.

2. I'm practically up all night last night just thinking about today's exams.

3. I'm practically up all night last night thinking about the last thing I would like to think about.

4. When I woke up (well, it's physically impossible to wake up when you're not asleep in the first place but let's just use the phrase anyway), I was still thinking about the exams. Geez!

5. Surprisingly, the ride to the university was fast. No traffic, no delays! Well it's a sunday. Maybe that explains it but even so...where was the traffic when you need it? Where were the no-good drivers who cause a lot of delays when you actually need their "no-goodness"? waaah!

6. When I finally reached my destination, the line was already super long and because I'm really not in the mood to exercise patience, I was totally pissed off. Hey, is this country the Philippines or what? Where's Filipino time when you actually want it? Right there and then, I wanted to shout..."bakit ang aga niyo?"

7. And then the moment of truth arrived.Answer sheet. Scratch sheet. Test booklet. my dreams. my future...a lot of things were suddenly infront of me...scary things! I would have screamed if all the people inside that room were from UP. I mean, I didn't want to just have a nervous breakdown with this girl from Ateneo sitting beside me. No way! So I stayed calm. And believe me, staying calm in a situation where panic is acceptable...makes you want to die...literally!

8. Okay so I started answering this rather long test which seemed to me like a bunch of complicated questions meant to measure my IQ. It was not long after when I realized that it is in no means measuring my IQ... it's pushing it down to a birdbrain level! I totally blanked out in the math portion. I mean what kind of person doesn't know how to get averages and percentages! Hello bang...you're sister can answer that question! Anyway, I knew I failed the test after that.

9. Equality before the Law: myth or reality .... this is my favorite! What kind of person writes an essay on a topic she's not clear about. I was like..."wait, what does this mean? Is it that equality should be achieved first before the implemetation of the law? Or is it that Equality should be "before", as in the guiding principle, from which the Law is supposed to be based?" I asked this to myself 3 minutes before the test was concluded. Useless!

10. After the 31/2 hours long, no-breaks exam that I now think caused my brain a lot of damages and my ass an incomparable feeling of pain, I settled on an empty seat in a jeepney anticipating the encouraging welcome-back-from-hell greetings of my housemate and my mum. But no, it seemed that bad luck was not going to be easy on me...yes, even after what I already went through. Keep staring at my legs and I'll push you off this jeep at the next stop! Grrr...I hated that guy! Proud pa siya na maniac siya! I mean yeah, I'm wearing a tight-fitting skirt, somehow yeah, it's okay to look coz legs are legs anyway (still the same melanin, still the same pores, no biggie about that), but hey no one permitted you to glue your eyes on them! Kung gusto mo ng legs, maligo ka at tingnan mo yung sayo. Grrr... I can still see the faces of the other people in the jeepney, apparently feeling pity for me for that kind of sexual harrasment. Ayhetchu!

11. When I got home, mum is not there anymore. She left for the province already. =(

12. And so we now come to the last thing that I hate about today (so far, I mean). I hate being infront of this computer. I hate remembering all these unfortunate events.I hate today and yeah, I hate hating it.

Numbers

2005-11-25T08:08:00.000-08:00

I didn't know numbers can be depressing.

over 1000 - number of people I know.
over 500 - number of people i like.
over 100 - number of people I talk to.
over 50 - number of people i hang-out with often.
over 20 - number of people i get in touch with everyday.
10 - max number of people whom i told this blog address to.
8 - number of people who know this addie but forgot about it.
6 - number of people who know this addie but don't care much about it.
4 - max number of people who have read through this blog.
3 - max number of people who posted their comments.
1 - umm...this is the number of persons who truly care about what's written here. =(

**sadly that "1" is me.

From the bottom of my hypothalamus

2005-11-25T03:40:00.000-08:00

The thought of you makes me nervous.

The thought of you makes me weak.

I want you to be mine. I want to win you. But my every attempt seems to fail.

I want to be part of you someday and I want you to be part of me.

But how could I if I'm just this?

How could I have you if I'm just me?

I think of you and you just seem so far away...unreacheable...out of my league.

Would I be enough to win you? Would a Supernatural Being grant me to be with you?

Please make room for me. Please give me a chance.

I planned my life with you in it. And I plan to stick with that plan.

Please make room for me. Please give me a chance.

** this goes to my incomparable, yet-to-be friend whom I would want to share my life with - the UP Law School.

Happy New Year!

2005-10-01T10:00:00.000-07:00

12:23…the first twenty three minutes of my not-anymore-teen life. I snicker at the thought that I’m spending it infront of the computer in a lousy computer shop in our village. But how else would I spend it?

I got a doze of my birthday syndrome last night, as always. I cried my eyes out. I locked the doors to my room and pleaded my housemate, the best housemate in the world, not to disturb me while I reminisce the past events of my life.

Im twenty but I still haven’t had my songs arranged. I’m twenty but I still don’t have a recording contract (hehe…as if1). I’m twenty but I still haven’t figured out what I want to do with my life.

And so I pause…hmmm…I’ve broken too many promises this year, promises to myself and to other people.

But hey, it’s my birthday, I do deserve some happy thoughts.

Well, let’s start with saying that I’ve been with JC this whole year. And that I’m growing deeper in love with him everyday. And of course, we shouldn’t miss out on my thesis. It’s excruciatingly hectic but it ended up fine. I even aced one of my professor’s exams. Imagine that! Hahaha! But enough of the bragging. I have to sleep for tomorrow’s events

Goodnight people…and Happy birthday to me.

Twen-teen is the age to be!!!

the X questionnaire

2005-08-29T03:43:00.000-07:00

(X) i have a cell phone. (and im gunna say bye-bye to it sooner or later)
( ) i am an only child.
(x) i am a shopaholic (flip-flops and earrings, wohhhooooo!)
(x) i love/like dangly earrings (i told you I love earrings)
( ) i have smoked a cigarette before.
( ) i have done drugs
(X) i have drank (i HAVE drank)
(X) i love cold weather. (but please no rain)
(X) i'm obsessed with the computer (hahaha)
(X) i have shot a gun before. (UP Bravo Infantry Batallion 2002-2003)
(X) i can't live without music. (tell me about it!)
(-) i have no tolerance of ignorant people (define ignorant!)
(X) i have ridden on a motorcycle before. (broom! broom!)
(-) i'll be in this town forever. (hahaha, not applicable!)
(X) i get annoyed easily. (yeah, so don't annoy me!)
(X) i eventually want kids
( ) i have neat handwriting (hahaha! no comment)
(X) i have more than a few horrible memories.
( ) i am addicted to chocolate(i may be the only girl who dislikes it)
(X) i have siblings. (yep, balatong, budik and shang-shang)
( ) my parents are strict
(X) i love airplane rides. (i just don't like the ear-popping thing though)
(x) i love taking pictures (i'm a sucker for picture-taking)
(X) i hate people who are fake...
(X) i can be mean when i want to (so don't push me! hehe)
(X) one of my best friends is a girl... (i've lots of best friends, hehe)
( ) i have way too many purses. (I've lots of bags..not purses)
( )i'm obsessed with chap stick (i passed this stage already)
(X) i am easy to talk to (blahblahblah...yadayadayada)
(X) i cry easily (*sniff* *sniff*)
( ) i hate when people are late (I hate myself for being late always)
(X) i procrastinate
(-) i love winter. (not applicable)
(x) i have too many clothes for my closet (no comment, hahaha!)
(X) i love to sleep (if sleeping is a profession, i'd take it as mine)
(X) i wish i were smarter (humility is a virtue, hehehe)
( ) i'm afraid of flying.(hello?!? I'd do anything just to fly)
( ) i HATE drama. (que va!)
(x) i love acting. (someday...)
(x) i bite my nails...(a childhood habit im not yet thru getting out of)
(X) i have been on a 8 hour car ride (here, 8 hours is not an issue)
( ) i never fight with my parents.(uhummmm)
(X) i love the beach (i hope it's summer already!)
( ) i have never had the chicken pox
( ) i have gone out in public in my pajamas.
( ) i can't control my emotions (depends on the emotion)
(-) i have moved more than once.(vague question)
(X) i truly care about my friends.(no question in that)
( ) i have/had braces.
( ) i love to draw (I hate art, coz it hates me...hahaha)
(X) i love my computer...
(X) i love people who sing.
(X) i state the obvious (hmmm...)
(X) i'm a happy person...(as in really happy!)
(x) i love to dance. (im pretty wild in the dance floor)
(X) i love to sing (greatest dream!)
( ) i love cleaning my room (yikes! pass!)
(X) i tend to get jealous very easily! (no comment, hahaha!)
(X) i love night better than day (hear!hear!)
(X) i have been on the phone for over 5 hours
at a time (hahaha! don't tell my mum!)
( ) i have had pneumonia.
( ) i am too forgiving (not sure)
( ) i have horrible sense in direction.
(x) i miss elementary school.
(X) i love kisses
(x) i love the color pink (need is say more?)
( ) my eye color changes. (i wish)
(X) i should see a therapist.(psycho-therapist!)
( ) i play on a sports team.(i don't like sports)
(X) i become stressed easily.(especially when it comes to my thesis!)
(X) i hate liars! (kill!)
( ) i LOVE comfy sweatpants.
( ) i can play the piano
( ) i love the smell of rain.(yikes, add the road stink that comes with it)
(X) i love my family. (surely)
( ) i hate needles.
( ) i am a perfectionist. (at school) (NO WAY!)
(X) i always wanted to learn to play the guitar (and be really good at it)
(X) i hate the feeling of failure.(but failure is my twin sister, buhuhu.)
(X) i have friends in other countries. (london, LA, KL, UAE)
(X) i know how to cook (siniBANG, chopsuey, pasta...name it!)
(X) i can speak another language..(qiero que si!)
(X) at times i can be quite selfish. (this lollipop's mine! hehehe!)
(X) at times, i still act like a little kid (waaaahhhh)
( ) i have allergies.
(X) i love Babies.(they're so cute and cuddly and huggable and...)
(x) i have problems with letting go of old
feelings/memories (but im trying)
(x) i hate being alone.
(X) i love summer. (yohhhooooo!)
(X) i love the weekends ("me"- time)
(X) i can type with one hand.
( ) i have never rode on an underground
subway.
(X) i can't swim. (ironic for a girl who lives in dagupan)
(X) i have bad memories.
( ) i go to church. (im planning to)
(X) i sing in the shower.(yebbbaaa!)
( ) i have never been camping. (hello?!? Im like the bst girl scout ever!)
(X) i usually get what i want. (yeah right!)
(X) i have been on stage before (yeah doing speeches)
(X) i love roller coasters. (dare devil)
(X) no one knows the full story of my life. (even myself)
(X) i am close with my parents.
(X) i love to read (hahaha, no comment)
(X) i love getting stuff in the mail